


The Golden Rule

by Coby_Thinks



Series: All That Glitters [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Attempted Suicide, Child Abuse, Depression, Food mentions, Kidnapping, M/M, Multi, Patton is not okay, Suicidal Thoughts, apparently, identity theft, it's more likely than you'd think, me writing U!deceit?, unsympathetic Deceit, yeet bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22618891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: Treat others the way you want to be treated. That was the number one rule, the golden rule. It was the most important thing. It always had been. Ever since Patton was old enough to understand, that was what everyone told him. So, that’s what he did. The feeling wasn’t always reciprocated. Apparently the world that told him to care about others before himself… didn’t think of Patton either. So if Patton wasn’t thinking of Patton… and the world wasn’t thinking of Patton… who was thinking of Patton?Warnings: suicidal thoughts, depression, Unsympathetic Deceit, abusive anxceit, attempted suicide, food mentions, kidnapping, identity theft, injuries, not caring for/taking care of oneself, angst, whump, etc.An older work of mine that I posted on Wattpad ages ago, and I just wanted to move it here because when I finish the sequel I'll want to post it in both places. So that's why I'm posting it all at once lol just wanted to explain so no one was confused.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit Sanders, Platonic LAMP
Series: All That Glitters [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1627330
Comments: 26
Kudos: 86





	1. Prologue

Treat others the way you want to be treated. That was the number one rule, the golden rule. It was the most important thing. It always had been. Ever since Patton was old enough to understand, that was what everyone told him. So, that’s what he did. The feeling wasn’t always reciprocated. Apparently the world that told him to care about others before himself… didn’t think of Patton either. So if Patton wasn’t thinking of Patton… and the world wasn’t thinking of Patton… who was thinking of Patton? The answer became quite clear to him as he stared down into the watery depths below him. No one was thinking of Patton.

“What am I doing here?” Patton asked softly, running his hands along the metal bar keeping him from the edge. “What am I doing?” This was so selfish, he’d never been selfish in his life. 

Patton stepped back, folding his arms comfortingly around himself. Just because no one cared about him, didn’t mean he had to leave. He had a lot to offer, right? Yes, he offered so much to the world and the world gave him nothing in return. Patton wasn’t needed here anymore. Patton grimaced, reaching up to rub his eyes. As he did so, he knocked off his glasses and they fell onto the rain-soaked street. Awesome. Patton sighed and knelt down, feeling carefully for the spectacles. His hand bumped them and he smiled, pushing them back onto his face. And now the world was back.

Patton didn’t get up, he felt tired. He was tired. Exhausted. Being nice to everyone all the time and getting nothing back was… taxing. But it's who he was, he couldn't help it. That didn’t make it any easier. Huge clumps of emotion swirled around in his head and Patton sighed, rubbing his temples. He was getting another headache. Then he looked back at the edge of the bridge.

He just wanted to see. Who would miss Patton when he was gone? Who would think of Patton? He knew it was unhealthy. He knew he shouldn’t care so little about himself, but he didn’t know what else to do. If he wasn’t helping other people what else was he going to do? Nothing. He’d die eventually if he wasn’t making someone else’s day better then… why didn’t he just die early? He was so selfish. 

Patton sighed and got to his feet, slowly turning away from the edge. He wasn’t a selfish person, he wouldn’t be the person who was that selfish. He couldn't. So he walked back to his car, trying to banish the unhappy thoughts that plagued him. What right did Patton have to be unhappy in a world where he had so much? He slid into the driver's seat of the car and closed the door, but didn’t turn the ignition. Instead, he just sat, staring at his tiny calendar. Today was circled in sparkling blue marker, today was moving day.

All his things were in the trunk, and he was supposed to have unpacked at the new apartment by now. But instead, he’d come here. Patton rubbed his eyes again, taking a deep breath. He could do this, change was okay. Patton took a deep breath and turned on the car, brushing the hair out of his eyes. He looked into the rearview mirror and forced a wide ‘dad’ smile. Everything would be fine, he was always happy after all. Why wouldn’t everything be fine?


	2. Insomnia

Patton was hoping no one would notice him arrive, seeing as it was nearly midnight when he did. He left most of his stuff in the car and only carried a duffel bag with him up to the apartment, and slowly opened the door. All the lights were still on, which meant either his roommates were crazy or they were still awake. Patton stepped inside and was met by two surprised looks.

“I’m Patton.” He said, forcing a wide grin. “Sorry, I’m a bit late… you could say I was  _ Patton Pending… _ !” 

When in doubt, dad jokes are always the way to go. 

“Ah, hello Patton.” One of the others stood up, holding out a hand. Patton realized after a moment of staring that it was a handshake, which he gave enthusiastically. “My name is Logan.” Patton nodded, looking around at the apartment curiously. The other person bounded to his feet, striking a pose with a flip of his hair.

“I am Prince Roman!” He declared grandly. Logan sighed.

“I believe the surname comes after the given name, in our culture.” He said softly. 

“Yes but Roman Prince has less of a ring to it,” Roman said, waving a dismissive hand as he shook Patton’s hand as well. 

“Well, I didn’t expect anyone to be awake,” Patton said, laughing nervously. “It's not healthy for you, you know.”

“Oh yes, I know,” Logan said, casting a strange look at Roman. “But I simply cannot sleep with Disney music ringing through the apartment at all hours of the night.” Roman rolled his eyes.

“One might think that such a miracle as Disney would help you relax,” he said, gesturing toward the television. “Do you like Disney movies, Patton?” Patton blinked.

“Oh well of course I do!” he said enthusiastically. “They are pretty  _ Disneat! _ ” Roman stared at him, then snickered a bit before walking back to his seat on the couch.

“What… that doesn’t… oh, for goodness sakes was that a dad joke?” Logan asked, staring at him. Patton nodded.

“The best kind of joke.” He declared. Logan sighed.

“Well, seeing as Roman’s marathon won’t be ending anytime soon, I shall go and attempt to sleep.” He said, turning toward the bedrooms. Patton waved, even though he didn’t see.

“Good luck!” He glanced at Roman, who was mouthing lines along with the characters as it played. “He’s right you know, you shouldn’t stay up so late.” Roman looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Patton, just because I know something doesn’t mean I have to listen to myself,” he said, tapping his temple. “I will turn the volume down if that’s what you’re requesting.” That was probably the best he’d get, so Patton nodded.

“Thanks.” 

“Your room is the third one down,” Roman said, turning back to the TV. “You are the last one to arrive, and that’s the last one left.”

“Thanks,” Patton said again, turning down the hallway. A few moments later he heard the volume lower to a dull murmur. There were four bedrooms in the hallway, the first door was shut, and the second barely ajar. He could see there were things already spread across the room and had to assume it was Romans. Mostly because of all the Disney store merchandise, and also because no one was in there. He opened the third door and stepped inside, dropping his bag on the ground. He stood for a moment, listening to the dull murmur of the television. Roman was out there… alone. Watching television alone was never fun, Patton had too much experience with that. He sighed and looked down at his bag, then opened his door again and planted a grin on his face.

“Want any company?” he asked, standing near the couch. Roman blinked and actually looked away from the TV for a moment, then grinned widely.

“Excellent! I should have known you wouldn’t be able to resist!” He said, flipping his hair again before gesturing for Patton to come over. 

Patton did, turning to look at the television. Currently on the screen was Sleeping Beauty, the part where Phillip and Aurora were dancing in the forest. Patton hadn’t watched a Disney movie in a long time. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t watched any movies in a long time. He spaced out, trying to remember the last time he’d treated himself to relaxation and entertainment. He couldn't remember.

“I love this part!” Roman exclaimed, breaking Patton out of his stupor. He began to sing along to the music, adding in grand gestures and a lot of hair flips. Patton watched, amazed at how happy Roman seemed to be. After a little while of Disney Karaoke mostly by Roman - he knew all the lines by heart it appeared - Patton glanced at the clock. It was almost two in the morning.

“We really should head to bed, Kiddo,” Patton said, tapping his shoulder. “You need rest, and I’m sure you’ve seen this a lot, haven’t you?”

“I watch Disney almost constantly,” Roman said happily, not seeming to care about sleep at all. 

Patton frowned, looking closer at his face. At first, his skin had seemed to be bright and healthy, but Patton was closer now. He could see, just barely, the edge of a dark circle under Roman’s eyes. He was wearing foundation to hide it. He reached over and took the remote, face stern.

“Hey!” Roman said, turning to stare at him. “Patton, this is the most exciting-” Patton paused the television, and Roman stared at him.

“You need to sleep.” He said, holding the remote tightly. “When was the last time you did sleep?”

“That’s… that mattereth not!” Roman said grandly, waving a hand in dismissal. “Turn the television back on, Patton.”

“No,” Patton said, standing up. “You are sleep deprived, I can tell.” Roman stared at him, his mouth hanging slightly open.

“You met me two hours ago.” He said, raising an eyebrow. “Why do you care if I sleep or not?”

“I… I just do,” Patton said, folding his arms. He fiddled a bit with the sleeve of the cardigan around his shoulders. “So, no more TV until those circles under your eyes are gone.” Roman blinked, then reached up and rubbed underneath his eye worriedly.

“You saw that?” He asked sheepishly. Patton nodded and turned off the TV, then put the remote in his pocket.

“Come on, Princey.” He said, grinning widely. “Sleep isn’t that bad.”

“But-”

“Now Kiddo.” Patton said, putting his ‘dad’ smile on. Roman raised an eyebrow. “You want to be a prince, right?”

“I  _ am _ a prince.” Roman pointed out, smirking.

“What Disney movies do you know?”

“All of them,” Roman said without hesitation. Patton grinned wider.

“Then you know what a dream is, don’t you?” He asked, pulling Roman to his feet. Roman beamed, then started to sing. Loudly. 

“A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES!” Patton nodded. “WHEN YOU’RE FAST-” He stopped, pouting at him. 

“Asleep.” Patton finished softly, patting Roman’s shoulder. “Come on Kiddo.” Roman sighed, shaking his head.

“I can’t sleep.” He said, spreading his hands. “My head is always too busy for sleep, that’s why I have things like coffee. And…. Disney. To keep me occupied when I can’t.”

“Well, you’ll just have to tell your head to be quiet,” Patton said, turning off the lights and walking toward the rooms. Roman followed, surprising him.

“I can’t,” Roman explained, and he seemed troubled. “It just… won’t. I think of music that’s never been sung, and stories that have never been told and I just-”

“Then sing them,” Patton said, stopping outside Roman’s bedroom. Roman blinked. “Tell them. If you’re so inspired, do it.”

“That… may help,” Roman mumbled, running a hand through his hair. “But I don’t think I’m very good at-”

“You’re a good singer,” Patton said, adjusting his glasses. Roman flushed slightly. “And it doesn’t matter if you’re good at writing if you practice.” 

Then he held up a finger and went into his room, Roman followed to the door and watched. Patton dumped his duffel bag out onto the bed and dug through the mess, finally coming up with a small notebook and pen. 

“Here!” He declared grandly, almost mockingly. Roman smiled anyway and accepted the gift. “Whatever keeps you up at night, just jot it down in your handy dandy notebook!” he said. Roman glanced at the plain leather cover but nodded.

“If that works.” He said, almost inaudibly. “Thank you, Patton. And I suppose I could get to bed earlier, maybe cut down to one showing a night.” He smiled and Patton nodded, glad he’d managed to help his new friend. “You should get sleep as well, you know.”

“You’re right.” Patton shrugged. 

Roman bowed grandly, that wide grin on his face, before walking to his room and closing the door behind him. Then, and only then, did Patton close his own door and return to his bed. He listened while he put his belongings away, and heard Roman singing ever so softly, maybe it was humming. But it was a tune he’d never heard before. After a while, the singing stopped and the apartment was filled with silence. Patton lay down on his bed and stared at the ceiling before forcing himself to sleep, and ignoring his own thoughts.

* * *

“You do know that’s very unhealthy, right?” Patton looked up as Logan walked into the kitchen. Patton grinned widely.

“Good morning, Logan!” he said, waving. “What’s unhealthy?”

“That breakfast cereal,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses. 

“Oh, this,” Patton said, waving a hand. “Princey offered me some and I couldn't refuse!” Roman swallowed his bite and nodded to Logan.

“Good morning.” he said, “sleep well?”

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Logan said, walking to the fridge. “Thank you for turning the volume down, I was beginning to think you meant to stay up all night.”

“....why would I do something like that?” Roman asked, glancing at Patton. Patton grinned. Logan didn’t answer as he dug through the fridge, finally taking out a jar of jelly and a loaf of bread.

“Why is the bread in the fridge?” He asked.

“Um… to keep it cold?” Roman said, waving a hand. 

“Why…” Logan sighed and put down the jelly and put bread in the toaster. “Nevermind.” Patton glanced between the two and finished his cereal, then glanced at the doorway right by the entrance to the hall. He knew Logan lived closest to the bathroom at the end, and Patton was between him and Roman. But he had yet to meet whoever lived there.

“Aren’t there four of us?” He asked, getting up to wash his dishes.

“Yes, as a matter of fact,” Logan said, looking up from spreading his jelly on the toast. “Me, Roman, you, and… I’m not sure what the others name is.” he finished thoughtfully. They both looked at Roman, who shrugged.

“He didn’t say anything to me when he arrived,” he said. “Just went right to his room and hasn’t come out since.” Patton frowned.

“Do you think he’s alright?”

“Maybe he likes to sleep.” Roman said, shrugging it off as he finished his cereal as well. “As for me, I have a class in half an hour and I must be getting ready. After all, a Prince has to slay…” He flipped his hair again, then walked out. Patton snickered, watching him go.

“Strange,” Logan said, watching him. Patton looked over, raising an eyebrow. “Roman wasn’t in such a good mood when I met him yesterday, he was actually quite irritable.”

“He was probably… tired.” Patton said, turning away to dry his bowl. “Do you have any classes, Logan?”

“As a matter of fact yes,” Logan said. “But I’ve scheduled them all to be after ten AM because that’s the time of day my mind is optimally functional.”

“Awesome!” Patton said though he wasn’t sure he understood what Logan was talking about. “You’re smart.”

“Thank you, Patton,” Logan said. 

They fell into a comfortable silence and Patton finished washing the dishes. He dried his hands and glanced around. Logan seemed to be ignoring him, so he walked back to his room and paused outside Princey’s. He was singing again, and this time Patton could hear the words.

Sure enough, he’d never heard the song - of anything like it - before. He stood there for a minute, listening. For some reason, the sound made him happy. He knew it had been far too long since he felt that way, and didn’t really want it to stop. But eventually, Roman stopped singing. So Patton continued to his bedroom. He didn’t have classes today, but he did the next day. Patton was planning on looking for somewhere to volunteer when he wasn’t at school, like a shelter or an animal clinic. Or  _ something _ he would be useful at. 

He and Roman ended up leaving at the same time, even though Patton started to get ready much later than he did. He saw there was still a small amount of makeup on his friends face, and knew he still needed sleep. Hopefully, the journal would help.

“Thank you again,” Roman said after they left the apartment. Patton blinked, surprised. “For the help, I hadn’t slept in over a week,” he explained with a nervous laugh, running a hand through his hair.

“Well, that’s no good,” Patton said, shaking his head. “Just try and get more now that classes have started, you need to stay healthy. Healthy is happy, after all.”

“Oh, I know.” Roman nodded. “That’s why I’m thanking you.” Patton didn’t really know what to say, he didn’t get thanked very often.

“...I suppose you’re welcome.” He said softly as they reached the door to the building. Roman nodded with a bright smile, holding open the door as they walked out. “Good luck with classes, today.”

“And you with... Whatever you’re doing.” Roman said, waving a hand. “Disney tonight, though, alright?”

“Maybe,” Patton said, smirking. Roman waved and started off down the street. Patton watched him go, then slowly let the smile fade from his face. Patton was tired.


	3. Emotion

After a week Patton was proud to note that Roman was getting sleep every night, almost as much as Logan did. Logan, he noticed, had a very regimented schedule. Bed by ten, save for the first night Patton arrived, and up by six. He didn’t see everything Logan did, but he knew it was all scheduled carefully in what Logan called his ‘planning’ hour. Which was every day between Eight and nine AM, after breakfast. 

The mysterious fourth roommate remained as elusive as ever, and Patton had only glimpsed him a few times. The bathroom, the kitchen in the middle of the night, and once the back of a black sweatshirt leaving the apartment. But their schedules were vastly different, so he didn’t see much of the others.

Every night after dinner, Roman would pull out yet another Disney movie. He had, literally, all of them. Patton was impressed with his collection, who wouldn’t be? They worked their way through the older ones, -Bambi, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty a  _ few _ times (Patton had the sneaking suspicious Roman wanted to be like Philip), all in a week and a half. The circles under Roman’s eyes were soon gone, and he looked like a real Disney prince most of the time.

Patton watched his friend mouth lines along with Mulan, eyes riveted on the screen. He was incredibly impressed with his ability to remember the lines and wondered how he did it. He knew Roman was an actor, so that may be part of it.

“BE A MAN!” Roman sang loudly, making Patton jump a bit as the song started. Then he laughed, singing along, much softer. Logan looked up from his chair at the table, obviously irritated. Patton gave him a shrug and a small smile, glancing at Roman. He didn’t seem to notice their roommates annoyance, and Logan got to his feet. Patton kept an eye on both of them, worried there may be a confrontation. But Logan just packed up his things, in somewhat of a rush, and left to his bedroom. Roman didn’t seem to notice, but Patton was worried.

“I’ll be right back.” He said though Roman may not have heard under the singing. 

Patton walked down the hall to Logan’s perpetually closed door, took a deep breath, and knocked. No answer. Patton blinked, then knocked again. Same thing, just silence. Then he heard a page turn. Logan was ignoring him. Patton sighed softly, then gently opened the door enough to look in.

“Logan?” He called softly. Logan’s back was to the door, and he sat hunched over the desk, which was a surprise. Out of all of them, he’d noticed Logan always had amazing posture. “Kiddo, you alright?”

“Patton, I’m older than you.”

“Adulto, you alright?” Patton tried, opening the door a bit more.

“What do you want, Patton?”

“Okay, you’re bad at this,” Patton said, walking in and standing near Logan’s desk. “I want to know if you’re alright, Logan.”

“Why wouldn’t I be alright?” Logan sat up, adjusting his glasses and brushing his hair away from his face. Patton raised an eyebrow.

“Well… you kinda just ran out and I was worried.” Patton said softly. “So, are you okay?” Logan just stared at him for a moment, then looked away.

“I suppose that depends on your definition of ‘alright’.” Logan finally said, turning back to his book. Patton frowned.

“...What?” 

“For example,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses. “If by ‘alright’ you are referring to my physical well being; then the answer is yes.” Patton shook his head.

“I mean are you  _ feeling _ okay,” Patton explained. Logan frowned, adjusting his necktie.

“ _ Feelings _ are the bane of my existence.” He said, staring directly into Patton’s eyes. Patton blinked. It felt like Logan could see right into his brain, which was really creepy. “I’ve spent the last five years trying to eradicate them from myself.”

“Wait, what?” Patton scowled, putting his hands on his hips. “Logan!”

“Yes?”

“That’s no good, feelings are part of you!” Patton said, spreading his hands. Logan shook his head.

“They’re a distraction,” he said stubbornly. “Feelings cloud judgment and ruin relationships.”

“What relationships?” Patton snapped. Logan blinked in surprise. “You can’t have a relationship if you don’t care!”

“I never said-”

“Oh yes, you did!” Patton said, feeling his voice quaver. “You have to feel love to care about someone! Do you know what it  _ feels _ like to be rejected, Logan?”

“I… I cannot say I do,” Logan said uneasily, turning slowly. “Patton are you… are you alright?”

“I’m great!” Patton said shrilly. “But you can’t care, can you Logan!” Logan seemed stricken, and Patton realized he had tears in his eyes. Shoot. He turned away, wiping the tears away. “But I have feelings, Logan. I saw that you were uncomfortable and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Patton…” Logan put a hand on Patton’s shoulder and Patton turned, raising an eyebrow. Logan seemed completely different than any other time he’d seen him.

“Yeah?” 

“I said I was trying,” Logan said. “I never said I’d succeeded. So for the time being… I may as well tell you I do care.” He seemed terribly awkward, and Patton held back a grin. “And… thank you for coming to see me.”

“You’re welcome, I guess.” Patton sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Sorry I kinda… Sorry.”

“I suppose I deserved that,” Logan said, straightening his glasses and standing taller. “I was being particularly stubborn with you a few minutes ago.”

“You’re always stubborn,” Patton said, shrugging. A small lull in the conversation let the noise of Roman’s movie trickle in, and Patton listened idly to the sound of huns yelling.

“Patton?” Patton turned back to Logan, surprised.

“Yeah, kiddo?” Logan smirked, folding his arms uncomfortably.

“You were… correct.” He mumbled softly. “When you assumed I wasn’t, as you put it, ‘alright’.”

“I know,” Patton said. “You were being stubborn remember?”

“I remember,” Logan said, unnecessarily straightening his tie. “And I suppose I do owe you some small explanation if you’d like one.”

“Only if you want to,” Patton said, faking a wide smile. Logan turned away, looking around the spotless room.

“I’ve never liked loud noises.” He finally replied. “Roman… is a loud noise. If you understand what I’m saying.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Patton said. “You could probably get him to turn the volume down if you asked nicely. He did it when I did.”

“I suppose.” Logan sighed. “Interacting with him is exhausting.” Patton nodded, though he wasn’t sure he understood. Why didn’t he understand? He was supposed to help people be happy, he had to understand them to do that. “He never really makes any sense, have you noticed that?”

“Well, Kiddo-”

“I’m older.”

“ _ Adulto, _ then,” Patton said, smiling. Logan sighed. “Just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean… I dunno, doesn’t mean it's not good. You just gotta look from another angle, y’know?”

“I suppose you’re right.” Logan sighed, looking down at his homework. “Thank you, Patton. I think I’ll be…” he paused. “I’ll be  _ alright _ , now.”

“No problemo,” Patton said, pretending to dust off his shoulders. “You’re always welcome out there with me and Roman, by the way.”

“Roman and  _ I _ .” Logan corrected, sitting back down in his chair. Patton forced a laugh.

“Heh, yeah. I guess,” he said. “See you later, Lo.”

“See you,” Logan said, picking up his pencil once again and chewing on the eraser. 

Patton walked out, even though he knew there was more to it than this. Just like there had to be more to Roman’s insomnia than his overactive mind. Just like there had to be more of the fourth roommate than a dark jacket. Just like there had to be more to life than this. Patton was shocked at himself for thinking that. He knew his golden rule, and that was to focus on others before yourself. Anything else was selfish, wrong. Patton turned away from the living room and went instead to his own, shutting the door safely behind him. The tears he’d hidden from Logan came back, and this time he didn’t stop them.

Patton took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes, holding back loud sniffing noises. He didn’t want anyone to worry over him, because then they wouldn’t let him help them back. That’s always what happened. It’s what happened with his family, and his friends, and even his last relationship. He tried to do everything he could for others, but they never gave him anything in return.

* * *

It was raining. Patton stared out the window at the raindrops, he’d always been fascinated by the way they looked. It was just… cool. Roman was watching another Disney movie, with the volume on low, and Logan was on the couch between then reading a book. He was always reading, and Patton couldn't help but wonder why. He turned from the window and glanced over Logan’s shoulder.

“Hey, watcha reading Kiddo?” he asked playfully. Logan glanced at him and put in a bookmark, revealing the front cover to be… a textbook. “Ah, homework.”

“No, actually.” Logan shook his head, a small smile on his face. “This is purely for entertainment. I’m not taking a biology class, at the moment.” Roman looked over at him like he was crazy.

“ _ That’s _ entertaining?” he asked incredulously. Logan glanced at him and adjusted his glasses.

“Affirmative.” 

“But it's so boring!” Roman said, throwing his hands dramatically in the air. “Patton, you agree with me don’t you?” Patton blinked in surprise at this and looked from one to the other for a few moments before sitting up.

“Uh…”

“I’m sure Patton understands the value of a good education,” Logan said, rolling his eyes.

“Well, yeah, but-”

“Yes, well Patton also understands  _ fun _ !” Roman said, flipping his hair. “Unlike you.”

“This is fun,” Logan said, Patton could see his knuckles growing white as he clenched the book tighter.

“Oh, please!” Roman rolled his eyes. “I’ve never seen our dear friend Patton read anything of the sort!”

“Well, I’ve never seen him strain neck muscles for the sole purpose of showing off!” Logan fired back. Patton looked at them nervously, unsure of what to do.

“Excuse me?” Roman asked, deeply offended. “ _ Patton _ , unlike you, cared enough about sleep to make me turn off  _ Disney! _ No one has made me do that before, so obviously he’s a better roommate than you!”

“Whoa there, Princey-”

“Well, Patton doesn’t yell random words during every show we watch!” Logan yelled.

“Logan!” Patton said, grabbing his friend's arm. “Roman!  _ Patton _ is sitting right here!” They fell silent, each looking guilty. “And I think both reading and television are great ways to entertain yourself, can we please stop arguing?”

“My apologies,” Logan said, turning to stare guiltily at him. Patton blinked in surprise. “I suppose I did let my anger get the better of me…” he glanced back at Roman. “I apologize to you as well, though some of what I said is true.”

“That’s probably the best apology I’d ever get out of you.” Roman snorted, getting to his feet. “Excuse me.” Then he was gone. Patton grimaced, getting up to follow him to be sure he was okay, but Logan grabbed his arm.

“Patton, are you... alright?”

“Of course I am,” Patton said, pulling out of his grip. “Why?”

“You seemed to be panicking,” Logan said, shrugging. “We did put you on the spot, are you sure you’re feeling well?”

“I’m always feeling well,” Patton said, waving a hand dismissively. “And I just wanted to make sure Roman was okay, that’s all.”

“I see.” Logan adjusted his glasses. “Very well, I think-” The door to the apartment opened, distracting Patton and thankfully Logan from the discussion. In stepped a soaking wet, purple-haired, black-clad young man about their age. Patton immediately recognized the jacket. This was their fourth roommate.

“Take a picture.” He said, staring from underneath purple bangs. “It’ll last longer.”

“I’m Patton!” Patton said, beaming widely. He couldn't help but notice the way this guy looked at him like he was suspicious or something. Weird. 

“Logan,” Logan said.

“Tired.” The other replied, trooping toward his room. “But if those were introductions, you can call me Virgil.”

“That’s a cool name,” Patton said as he disappeared inside his room, slamming the door behind him.

“Hm,” Logan said. Patton turned to see he was already immersed in his book, seeming to have completely forgotten they were talking before. Awesome. Patton walked to his room, pausing outside Roman’s to hear angry mutterings and the scratch of pencil on paper. He sighed softly, tears in his eyes as he closed his own bedroom door behind him. Patton was tired.


	4. Anxiety

Patton saw Virgil three times in the next two weeks. Once, on a holiday weekend and none of them had anything to do. They all hung out in the living room, and Virgil surprised them by joining around two PM.

“I couldn't sleep.” He said as his only explanation. 

“Been there,” Roman said, shuffling the Uno cards as Patton and Logan scooted over to make room for Virgil in the circle. “Who votes we listen to the entire Disney soundtrack on repeat?”

“Oh, yes!” Patton said, hand flying up in the air. “Come on Virge, Logan, let’s make it unanimous.”

“Sounds good.” Virgil shrugged.

“ _ Sounds _ like my ears will be bleeding.” Logan sighed, adjusting his glasses. Patton snickered, shaking his head.

“Was that a joke, Lo?” Logan blinked, then hurriedly shook his head.

“No, of course not. I’m serious, I wear a necktie.”

“Serious people wear neckties.” Patton agreed.

“Who wants to deal the cards so I can turn it-” Roman fell silent as the music started playing from Virgil's iPod on the floor. It was ‘In The Dark of the Night’ from Anastasia.

“What?” Virgil asked irritably as they stared at him.

“Oh, nothing Kiddo!” Patton said, forcing a wide smile. “I guess we just didn’t peg you as the Disney type!”

“I met you two days ago.” Virgil pointed out. Roman sighed, flipping his hair before dealing the cards.

“But of all the songs to begin with, must you choose the darkest?”

“Yeah,” Virgil said, picking up his cards. “Basically.” 

“Sound doesn’t have dark or light value,” Logan muttered. “It's just… airwaves.”

“You go first, Patt!” Roman said, flipping the top card over. Patton glanced at it, then his hand. 

“Okay, but are we playing regular, sudden death, or reverse Uno?” he asked, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

“What?”

“Regular is the rules on the box,” Patton said, picking up the battered Uno case. “Sudden death is where we can put down as many as qualify in one turn. Reverse is where we do the exact opposite of the rules.” he beamed. “So, what are we playing?”

“...regular,” Virgil said in unison with Roman’s

“SUDDEN DEATH!” He said it violently, and Patton saw Logan jump slightly, then scowl.

“Regular, if you don’t mind,” Logan said, doing a good job of composing himself.

“Well, it looks like majority rules.” Patton sighed, shaking his head. He set down his card, smiling slightly. “Draw four, Lo.”

“You’re kidding me.”

The second time Patton saw Virgil, it was the middle of the night. Roman had stayed up too late again, and he was trying to get his friend calmed down enough to sleep. Pages upon pages of the notebook had been filled already with a tale of princes and dragons and the like, and Roman didn’t seem to be slowing down anytime soon.

“There’s just so much that’s never been done!” he mourned, sharpening his pencil once again. Patton nodded, rubbing his eyes.

“Princey, how long do you think you’ll be up?”

“I don’t know,” Roman said, a slightly crazed expression on his face. “I can’t… My brain is just exploding.” he bent over the notebook again, scribbling so fast it was a marvel Patton could read his handwriting. He sighed and stood up, walking to the fridge.

“Well, if it’ll help I’ll make you warm milk,” he suggested, taking the half-gallon out. Roman didn’t reply, so he poured it into two glasses and put them in the microwave. Then the door opened and he turned to see an utterly exhausted Virgil walk in.

“Oh,” Virgil said when he saw them. “You guys are up.”

“So are you,” Patton said with a weary smile. “Where’ve you been, Kiddo?”

“I don’t have to tell you,” Virgil said, falling into the seat across from Roman. “What are you doing, Sir-Sing-A-Lot?” Roman ignored him, looking completely frazzled as he turned the page and continued writing.

“He’s…” Patton trailed off as he took the glasses out of the microwave and walked back over. “Our dear friend Roman has insomnia.”

“I do not,” Roman said without pausing in his writing. “It’s called imagination.” Patton held back a sigh but nodded.

“Do you want milk, Virge?” he asked. Virgil was staring at him again, it was a little unsettling.

“...no thanks.” He said, getting to his feet. “I meant to just... Go to bed. You guys should too.”

“We- I’m working on it,” Patton said, looking down at Roman. “Goodnight, Virgil.”

“Night Patt.” and Virgil was gone, leaving Patton to stay up until five AM with Roman. He was going to have to get him another notebook… or three.

The third time he saw Virgil, Neither Logan nor Roman were home. Patton was in his room, drawing on his bed. He didn’t realize his door was open until someone knocked on it, though didn’t step inside. He looked up to see Virgil, looking like he’d seen a ghost. Pale and shaking, he gripped the doorway like a lifeline.

“Kiddo?” Patton was on his feet in moments, eyes wide. “What happened? Are you okay?” Virgil just shook his head, his mouth working soundlessly. Patton hesitated for barely a second before pulling him into a hug. Virgil’s heartbeat quickly against him, much faster than it should be.

“P-pa- attack…” It took Patton a few seconds to understand what Virgil was stammering. He was having a panic attack.

“It’s okay, kiddo,” he said, pulling Virgil over to sit on the bed. “Deep breaths, come on now.” Virgil took a shuddering breath, eyes darting from side to side as Patton grabbed a set of headphones and pushed them over his ears, then turned on some easy listening music.

“Just breath, alrighty?” Patton smiled, comfortingly, sitting with his arm against Virgils. “Ground yourself, there we go.” In a few minutes, Virgil’s breathing had calmed down and his hands had stopped shaking. He pulled off the headphones and looked guiltily at Patton.

“I-I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Don’t be!” Patton said, shaking his head. “Nothing wrong with having an attack, Virge. Everyone does at least once.”

“But I do all the time,” Virgil grumbled, burying his face in his hands. Patton frowned. “I shouldn’t have bothered you, but I just-”

“You can always come to me,” Patton said softly. “Alright kiddo?” Virgil chuckled, rubbing his eyes.

“Why do you call everyone that?”

“I dunno.” Patton shrugged, smiling. “It's fun.” Virgil went to stand up, but Patton grabbed his arm. “Virge…”

“Yeah?”

“You can stay and keep listening to music if you want to. I don’t mind, take as long as you need.” Virgil stared at him, not the creepy way he usually did but with wide surprised eyes.

“You sure? I hate to… be a bother.”

“You’re never a bother!” Patton said, handing him the headphones again. Virgil smiled and slipped them on, then sat with his back against Patton’s as Patton picked up his sketchbook again.

“Okay, but let me know if you want me to leave.” Patton nodded, but he never did tell his friend to go. They sat like that for hours until Roman got home, loudly announcing he would be watching Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Patton went to join him, and Virgil disappeared into his room.

* * *

“Hey, guys.” Patton looked away from the TV when the front door opened and Virgil walked in, someone following close behind. “You aren’t busy are you?”

“No, just watching whatever this is,” Roman said, pouting as Logan smirked. They were watching a space documentary, it was actually quite fascinating. But there was no singing, so Roman didn’t seem to be a fan.

“Great, because I wanted you to meet…” Virgil gestured to the person next to him. 

“Hello.” They waved, and Patton blinked in surprise. Whoever it was… looked just like him. Except for a thin scar running from the edge of his mouth to his ear, they were nearly identical. “I’m Virgil’s boyfriend, you may call me ‘D’”

“Hey, Kiddo!” Patton said, getting over his shock. “I’m Patton! I didn’t know you had a boyfriend, Virge!” he ignored the way D’s eyes narrowed and looked at Virgil, who shrugged.

“Never came up.” He mumbled. “We usually... Hang out at D’s place but it's under construction.”

“Well, you’re always welcome here, D!” Patton said, scooting closer to Logan. “Feel free to join us!” he glanced at the others. Logan was immersed in the documentary, and Roman was trying to hide the shock on his face at the two doppelgangers. Eventually, he failed.

“You look the same,” Roman said as Virgil and D sat down on the couch.

“Do we?” D asked, smiling in a somewhat creepy manner. “I didn’t notice.”

“Fascinating,” Logan said, tearing his gaze from the TV at last. “It is a known fact that everyone on earth had at least seven doppelgangers on earth, there are also statistics showing that everyone will at least glimpse one of them during their life. But the odds of these connections and actually conversing are much smaller.”

“Yeah, sure,” Virgil muttered uncomfortably.

“You know we don’t understand a word of that, right?” Roman asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I understand perfectly,” D said, staring directly into Patton’s eyes. A shiver ran up his spine and he looked at the television again. “It is nice to meet you all, Virgil was always vague when it came to his roommates.”

“Let’s just watch, okay?” Virgil asked, obviously stressed out.

“Sure thing Kiddo,” Patton said, staring at the TV and trying to ignore the goosebumps on his arm. He wasn’t sure why, but something about Virgil’s boyfriend gave him the creeps. They sat through the documentary, and as soon as the credits started rolling D stood up. 

“Virgil, can I talk to you?” he asked, holding out a hand for him to take. Virgil nodded, standing up.

“Yeah, sure.” Patton couldn't help but watch as they left the living room and disappeared into Virgil’s room. Virgil seemed nervous, and it worried Patton greatly.

“He is… interesting.” Logan said, seeming to know how they all felt with D in the apartment. “I wonder why they’re together.”

“Because Virgil’s a creepy cookie, that’s why,” Roman said, stealing the remote and grinning. “Disney time!” Logan sighed but said nothing. Patton remained silent as well, staring at Virgil’s closed door.

Minutes later, just as the opening credits of Cinderella ended, the shouting started. Patton was on his feet instantly, worry gripping his heart. Virgil wasn’t the one shouting, and he could barely make out what it was D was yelling. But one thing was clear, his voice was laced with anger.

“What on earth…?” Logan asked, eyes wide as he didn’t even try to hide his confusion, for once. “Turn that off, Roman!” and for once, Roman listened to the other and soon the only sound was D’s yelling.

“-understand what I’m telling you?” Patton managed to decipher it at last and gasped when he heard a sob from Virgil.

“That’s it,” Roman said, jumping over the back of the couch. “I’m going in.”

“Rom-” Logan shook his head halfway through the warning, watching as Roman hurried to the door of Virgil’s room and jiggled the handle.

“It's locked.”

“Go away, Roman!” Virgil called from inside. “This isn’t… this is none of your business!” Patton shook his head, hurrying after Roman to the door. He knew Virgil didn’t mean that. D must be making him say it.

“Virgil, are you sure it's okay in there?” He asked anxiously. “I know arguing gives you… anxiety.” That was an understatement, and Patton knew Virgil might be close to a full-on panic attack.

“We aren’t arguing,” D said from just inside the door. “And to be honest, I don’t think Virge would want your help even if we were. Isn’t that right?”

“Sure,” Virgil whispered, Patton scowled.

“I will kick this door down!” Roman said, shaking it. “You can’t yell at people like that, especially not someone you love!” D just laughed.

“Please go away, guys.” Virgil pleaded. “I’ll… talk to you later, okay?”

“Not until he is out of this house!” Roman said. “I won’t have any villains residing here, not on my watch!” The door flew open and D stepped out, arm linked with Virgil's and a terrifying smile on his face. Roman stepped back, surprised.

“Very well, we will continue our conversation elsewhere,” D said, almost literally hissing. And within moments he and Virgil were gone.

“Oh, great.” Logan sighed, rubbing his forehead.

“What, he’s gone now isn’t he?”

“Um, yeah!” Logan said irritably. “With Virgil! That was classic behavior of a toxic and or abusive relationship, and look what you did!”

“Well, Virgil’s the one dating him!” Roman said, throwing his hands in the air. 

Patton leaned against the wall, heart thumping loudly in his ears. He should have done more, he should have done more, he should have done  _ something  _ to help Virgil. That was why he existed, and he’d just watched as Virgil was taken away. He stayed where he was as Roman and Logan continued to argue until both of them slammed the doors to their bedrooms. 

Patton knew he should go comfort one of them, maybe Logan. But maybe Roman, too. And maybe he should run after Virgil even though it was much too late. But Patton didn’t do anything, he just slid down the wall until he was seated. He hadn’t done enough, but he’d stay here until Virgil returned. Patton turned to watch the door, even though he just wanted to go sit in his room as well. Virgil had to return home, and Patton would be there when he did. He didn’t care about the tears sliding down his face, he didn’t care about anything. Patton was tired.


	5. Paranoia

Virgil returned after midnight, and Patton had since moved to sit at the table with a glass of now cold hot cocoa. As soon as Virgil stepped inside, Patton hurried over.

“Virgil, you okay Kiddo? I know that must have been stressful, but-”

“Not now, Patt.” Virgil dodged around him and Patton bit his lip.

“Virge, I didn’t mean to make things worse, I-”

“It wasn’t… your fault.” Virgil said, rubbing his eyes. “D… he’s just really… intense.”

“Like camping!” Patton suggested, trying to lighten to mood. To his relief, Virgil managed a small smile.

“Both give me high anxiety, so yeah,” he said, and Patton frowned.

“Virge, you don’t…” this was going to sound horrible. “You don’t have to stay with him if he hurts you like that.” Virgil shook his head tiredly.

“You don’t understand, Patton.” He said, going to get a glass of water from the kitchen. Patton followed at a distance, confused.

“What don’t I understand, Kiddo?” he asked. “He was yelling at you, he made you cry.” Virgil didn’t respond, just drained his cup and started refilling it. “I could tell you were gonna have a panic attack.”

“Yeah.. well, that’s my problem,” Virgil said, staring at his water. “You’re the only person who tries to help with that, and I’m grateful, but-”

“You mean your own boyfriend doesn’t help you with your anxiety?” Patton blurted out, shocked. Virgil shrugged, dumping the glass into the sink and rinsing it out.

“I mean, not really. I think it annoys him.”

“Kiddo, that’s-”

“Listen, Patt,” Virgil looked at him. “D and I… we have reasons for our relationship. It may not make sense, but trust me. It’ll be fine.” Patton didn’t know what to say, he just stared back at his friend before gasping. Virgil blinked. “What?”

“He- he hit you!” Patton reached over and stroked Virgil’s cheek, where a large bruise poked out from under his intense eyeshadow. “Virge, what-?”

“It's nothing!” Virgil said, pushing Patton away. “And he didn’t… hit me! I.. tripped.”

“Virgil, please let me help you!” Patton begged, feeling tears well up in his eyes. “This relationship is unhealthy, trust me!”

“Why should I?” Virgil snapped, shoving Patton away. Patton tripped, hitting his shoulder on the corner. 

“Virge, I’m just trying to-”

“I don’t need help,” Virgil said, voice tight. “And I don’t need you, or anyone else! I know you think the world is full of sunshine and rainbows, but it's not! Okay?”

“I don’t-”

“Sometimes your situation sucks, but it's your situation so  _ deal with it _ !” Virgil ranted. Patton rubbed his shoulder gently, trying not to cry. “You’re the  _ reason _ D was mad at me in the first place! If you want to help, maybe you should just stay away from me!” and then Virgil was gone, slamming the door to his bedroom. 

Patton wiped tears away and took a deep breath. Maybe Virgil was right, he was a little overbearing sometimes. Patton didn’t want to hurt his friend, even if Virgil hated him. He washed the cup he’d had hot cocoa in and then turned off the light, deliberately and slowly. He didn’t feel quite… real. It was so weird, but he’d felt it before. Patton just needed some sleep, that’s all. Patton went to his room, stopping outside each of the others to listen. Virgil was crying, but he didn’t want Patton near him...Roman, for once, was asleep already and Logan was always asleep by now so it was no surprise to hear him softly snoring. 

Patton closed the door behind him and took off his glasses, finally letting out his tears. Crying was selfish, but he couldn't help it. He’d been trying so hard to just make things better for the others, and it turns out he had been doing the exact opposite. Did Roman and Logan feel the same way? Patton buried his face in his pillow and tried to cry as quietly as possible. He didn’t remember falling asleep, but Virgil was gone in the morning when he woke.

* * *

Patton didn’t see anything of Virgil for two weeks, and it worried him. But Virgil didn’t want him nearby, and he had to respect that. He tried his best not to bother Roman or Logan, and they didn’t seem to care either way if he stayed in his room or out with them to watch Disney and/or documentaries. Of course, they didn’t, why would they? Patton was just Patton, there to help but not necessary. Patton wasn’t necessary.

He stared at the wall blankly, trying to think of something he could do to make up for his selfishness. He’d been so selfish, he’d wanted to help them so much he annoyed them. Patton was never supposed to be selfish, that had been pounded into his brain for years, ever since he was a kid. Selfish was the worst way to describe someone, but that’s what he was. He heard the door of the apartment open and close in the back of his mind. Roman or Logan must be leaving.

He whimpered to himself and wiped his eyes, then put his glasses back on. Patton took a deep breath, slowly letting to world seep back into his head. That’s when he heard the frantic voices from the living room.

“Virgil- Virgil what happened?”

“I-I need… where…” Patton was on his feet in an instant but didn’t move from next to his bed. He wanted desperately to go embrace Virgil, it was clear he was in the midst of a panic attack. But Patton couldn't get what had happened out of his head, Virgil didn’t want him. That much was clear.

“He’s having a panic attack, Roman. The best course of action is to remain calm-”

“CALM?” Roman yelled, Patton cringed. “How can I stay calm when Surly Temple here shows up like this?! He’s not calm!”

“Well, obviously he’s not if he’s having-”

“Wh-where-ere’s Patton?”

“In his room, I suppose.” Patton’s eyes widened as he heard their footsteps hurry toward the door, and Virgil burst in without even knocking. Patton barely had time to dry his eyes before he saw the state of his friend.

“Virgil?” Virgil looked awful. He was shaking and pale, save for the large bruise across one side of his face. His regular black hoodie was gone, and he wore a short-sleeved t-shirt underneath. His arms were covered in bruises of varying size and age, Patton stared.

“P-Patton!” Virgil said pleadingly, looking around like he expected D to appear anywhere. “...help!” Patton snapped out of it and hurried over, hugging Virgil gently. 

“What…” Roman seemed baffled. Patton tried to ignore him as he pulled Virgil beside him, locating the headphones on the desk and slipping them onto Virgil’s head. In a few minutes, he was calmed down. But still holding tightly to Patton as they sat on the bed, and Patton wasn’t sure what to do about it.

“Virgil, if I may,” Logan stepped inside slowly, looking worried. “What happened?”

“Logan!” Patton said, pouting slightly. “Does this seem like a good time to you?”

“Well, I don’t know.” Logan snapped. “I just want to know, is that so terrible?”

“Patt…” Virgil whispered, looking at Patton with wide eyes. “You were right, you were so right.” Patton blinked, leaning away slightly.

“Right?” he laughed nervously. “Right about what?”

“D,” Virgil said, burying his face in Patton’s shoulder. Patton frowned, but gently rubbed his back anyway.

“What do you mean?” Logan asked, looking from one to the other.

“I…” Patton swallowed. “I don’t understand, Virgil. You said it was fine, you said-”

“I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said,” Virgil said. “But you were right, he’s… he’s toxic.”

“He was the one to do this to you?” Roman demanded, scowling deeply. “When I get my hands on him, I-”

“No!” Virgil said, grabbing his head. “St-stop it!”

“Stop what?” Logan asked.

“Stop… being so nice!” Virgil growled. “I don’t… I can’t… aaaaugh!”

“It’ll be okay, Kiddo,” Patton said softly. “You were right too, I suppose. I can be a little, annoying sometimes.”

“No, wait, I didn’t…!” Virgil groaned, burying his face in his hands. “I didn’t mean that, Patton! Honest! You were right, D and I… it doesn’t work anymore. It’s over.” 

Patton blinked, then nodded. Of course. The past two weeks must have been difficult, and Patton hadn’t been helping Virgil like he should have. D must have been an absolute nightmare, and Virgil finally had enough. That was why D hurt him today, he assumed. But at least Virgil would be alright.

“I’m sorry,” Patton said, gently wrapping Virgil in a hug. “I…”

“Would you like us to call someone?” Logan asked Virgil, straightening his necktie. Virgil shook his head.

“No one to call,” he mumbled. “I just… I never meant to hurt you Patt, and I know you probably hate me, but-”

“Oh, of course not Kiddo,” Patton said, forcing a smile. “I could never hate you, I don’t hate anyone. People make mistakes, and that’s okay.”

“Really?” Virgil asked doubtfully.

“Cross my heart.” Patton nodded. Virgil smiled, wiping tears away.

“Thanks.” Roman had left by then, hopefully not to do anything illegal. Logan glanced between Patton and Virgil for a moment before leaving as well, and Patton grabbed the iPod.

“What do you want to listen to, kiddo?” he asked. Virgil shrugged.

“What’s your favorite song?” he suggested. Patton frowned. He didn’t really have a favorite, he never thought enough about it like that.

“Oh, I dunno…” he mumbled softly, looking away. “I don’t really listen to music that much.” Virgil frowned, taking the iPod from him. He blinked in surprise. There were three playlists, each for one of Patton’s friends, “I keep it for you.”

“Wow, Patt…” Virgil said, in awe. “That’s… crazy.”

“You know what they say,” Patton said with a wide grin. “Keep your friends close, and all that.”

“Enemies Closer.” Virgil finished offhandedly, scrolling through the playlist with his name on it. “You spent time on this, buddy.”

“I guess.” Patton shrugged, adjusting his glasses. “Started right after you needed it, that first time. I wanted to be prepared.”

“That’s… really nice.” Virgil said, smiling warmly at him. Patton nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “Thanks.”

“It's nothing.” What he always said, even when it wasn’t true. “Just take care of yourself, kiddo.”

* * *

Patton had to get out of that apartment, everything was just so confusing. That’s why he was walking through the mall now, trying to find a way to stay from home as long as possible. Nothing he did was right, not at all. He couldn't do anything without being selfish, and he hated that. Virgil didn’t want his help, but he needed it. Patton wanted him to be happy but instead made things worse. It was so frustrating! He sighed and rubbed his eyes, walking into a random shop along the hallway. Hot Topic, he noted when he cared to look around. He never really shopped here, but he could distract himself with anything.

Patton walked through the dark aisles, not paying much attention to the things he looked at or the few other people in the store. His mind was racing furiously, trying to figure out what was the right thing to do, he had to know. He had to find a way to make everyone happy, but everything he’d tried just ended in disaster. Patton glanced at his watch. He’d only been out for thirty-five minutes.

“Patton.” Patton jumped when a voice sounded behind him, he felt like he’d heard it somewhere before but couldn't… when he turned he knew whose voice it was. Patton’s eyes widened and he backed up, almost knocking over a rack of clothing.

“Wh- uh- Hi,” he mumbled, glancing around for an exit. D was blocking the only one, awesome.

“I didn’t expect to see you here, or ever again,” D said, glaring directly into Patton’s eyes. “Especially after last night, I’m sure Virgil ran crying back to you.”

“Look, I don’t…” Patton tried to walk around him, but D grabbed his arm. “I’m not sure why you’re like this, but you hurt Virgil. He needs people in his life that care.”

“I do care.” D snarled. “And you took him away from me.”

“I did nothing of the kind,” Patton said, trying to pull away. “Leave me alone, please.”

“I don’t think so.” D hissed, eyes narrowing. Patton sighed, shaking his head.

“Well then will you tell me what you want?” He asked irritably, surprising himself. He just wanted D to leave him and everyone he cared about alone, but of course, that was too much to ask. He shouldn’t even ask, it was selfish. D could bother him all he wanted, as long as he left Virgil out of it.

“I want you,” D said, grip tightening painfully on Patton’s arm. Patton scowled.

“What?”

“You heard me,” D said, grinning widely. Patton shuddered, pulling away.

“Get away from me,” he said, shoving violently past out into the regular mall. 

D followed a few feet behind, and no matter what Patton did or where he went, he was there. It was creepy and unnerving, not to mention stalkerish. No one else seemed to notice Patton, as usual. But they didn’t notice D, either, which was disappointing. Patton glanced behind him, slightly paranoid when he realized that D was suddenly out of sight in the parking garage. Had he… lost him? Patton stopped walking and turned around, feeling his stomach twist worriedly. 

“Sleep well.” Patton jumped at the voice behind him, just before sharp pain erupted behind his eyes, and dots danced in his vision. Patton sank to his knees, feeling the world spin around him. He closed his eyes, letting everything melt away. Patton was tired.


	6. Deceit

Patton had left early, Roman knew his class didn’t start until three. Patton left at eleven. Not that Patton couldn't go do things, he was an adult. Roman was just worried, and he didn’t know why. Everything had been so strange lately, with Virgil and Patton first being friends, then not talking for weeks, and  _ then _ making up because of what Virgil’s boyfriend had done. Roman sighed, looking down at his notebook, then at the clock again. Patton wasn’t one to go treat himself to a day out, it just didn’t seem like something he’d do.

None of the others knew where he was, either. Virgil had just shrugged and turned his music back on, and Logan had started hypothesizing different possibilities. Roman left him to it, going to his own room to write. He desperately needed a distraction from everything that had happened, but for once in his life Roman had nothing to write. It was frustrating beyond belief, and so he just sat and stared at the page. Then he glanced back at the clock. Patton’s class ended half an hour ago, and Roman knew he always came right home to watch Disney with them. It’s what he’d done for months since they moved into the apartment. So where was he?

A soft knock on the door made Roman turn, surprised to see Virgil poking his head in looking concerned.

“Is Patton… back yet?” he mumbled softly.

“Not that I’m aware of, no,” Roman said, chewing on his pencil. “Did you need something?”

“N-not really…” Virgil looked embarrassed. “I was just wondering…”

“I was beginning to worry as well, actually,” Roman confessed, getting to his feet. “Did you text him?”

“Well, not really. I didn’t want to bug him if his class went late, or if he was stuck in traffic, or if-” Roman sighed, rubbing his eyes.

“Just give me your phone, Panic! At the Everywhere.” He held out his hand and Virgil flushed, handing it over. Roman typed a quick message before turning it off again and handing it to Virgil. “Tada, that simple!”

“Yeah, thanks… Princey.” Roman blinked in surprise, then grinned as they walked out to the living room.

“It was nothing!” he said grandly, flipping his hair. “We may as well start the movie without him, what’s your favorite Disney?”

“Black cauldron,” Virgil said without hesitation. Roman’s jaw dropped.

“What?! But… there are no songs!” he complained. Virgil smirked.

“Exactly.” Roman sighed loudly, kneeling by his box of movies.

“Fiiiine, I suppose we can watch it this once. Since Patton isn’t here yet,” he muttered, searching through until he found the unopened CD case in the bottom of the box. As he put it in he heard Virgil’s phone bling and glanced over. “What did he say?”

“He’s just running errands,” Virgil said, sounding slightly relieved. “Something about cookies.” Roman chuckled.

“That sounds like him,” he said, hitting play and going to sit on the couch. “Well then, My Chemically Imbalanced Romance, while we watch you can explain why this is your favorite,” Virgil smirked, sitting down next to him. Roman’s eyes ghosted over the pattern of bruises across his arms and he felt some strange emotion in his stomach. He really wished aggravated assault wasn’t a crime, because then D would probably be in the hospital by now.

“First reason,” Virgil said as the movie began. “There’s no songs.”

* * *

Patton woke up to the sound of dogs barking. That in itself wasn’t such a bad thing, really. The bad part was mostly the pounding ache in his head, and the fact he couldn't seem to move his arms. He groaned slightly, opening his eyes to see the blurry outline of a room in front of him. His glasses were gone, fantastic.

“Good morning, Patton.” Patton jumped, making out the figure in front of him. It all came flooding back, and he sighed inwardly. It was D. “Did you sleep well?”

“I slept just great,” Patton said, forcing a wide smile. The barking went off again, and he realized it was his text tone. “Mind reading that to me? It’s probably Roman, I’m late for Disney.” D sighed, obviously irritated. Patton didn’t mind, there was one person in this world he didn’t mind annoying. That person was standing beside him.

“Oh, Virgil’s worried about you.” D sneered, grabbing Patton’s hair and yanking his head back, Patton stared up at his blurry face. “How sweet.”

“Virge?” Patton asked, surprised. “What’d he say?”

“I don’t think you need to know that,” D said, stepping away to type a response. Patton frowned, tugging at the ropes holding his arms.

“So, wanna give me a hint as to why I’m tied up? Not great at guessing games, but I’ll do my best.” D sighed again.

“You talk too much.” He hissed, almost literally.

“I get that a lot, to tell you the truth,” Patton said, wincing as his head throbbed particularly painfully.

“Well,” D vanished from Patton’s line of sight but continued to talk. “You won’t be told that anymore, I think.” Well, that was foreboding. Patton tried to twist around so he could keep an eye on D, but it was useless. This guy knew how to tie people up, that’s for sure.

“Mind telling me why you dad-napped me?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You aren’t a father.” D snapped. Patton shrugged. “And if it’ll make you shut up, I’ll tell you.”

“Awesome, everyone loves a good monologue,” Patton said with a smile. “Especially Roman, it’s like his favorite trope.”

“Shut up, please!” D said loudly, slapping a hand over Patton’s mouth. Patton winced, then nodded. He was an idiot, that much he knew. But he also knew that D was violent, and judging from the pounding in his head, D wouldn’t have any qualms about hurting him more. “Good.” 

He walked away, but Patton’s eyes were adjusting, barely, to not having his glasses on. He got a clearer look at the room and felt just a bit sorry for the guy. There was barely any furniture, just a bed and a small table with a mirror, and the chair Patton was tied to but that didn’t really count. D wasn’t wearing what Patton had last seen him in, a purple button-up with yellow buttons. It was kinda ridiculous, but he wasn’t wearing it now. He was wearing, well, he was wearing what Patton wore every day. That was… creepy to say the least.

“How do I look?” D asked, smirking at him. Patton noticed he’d put a layer of foundation on to hide the scar along his face, it was like looking in a mirror. A really creepy mirror.

“I’m flattered you think I’m that cool,” Patton said, tilting his head. “But purple really suits you better, and-”

“Oh, shut up,” D said irritably, rolling his eyes. Patton shrugged.

“You asked.” he pointed out. D ignored him and walked to the table mirror thing, Patton was sure it had a name but couldn't quite remember it. He watched silently as D combed his hair back, then put on a pair of glasses - Patton’s glasses.

“You have very bad eyesight,” D said, glancing over at him. “Luckily I keep a store of fake lenses for things like this, and you won’t really be needing these anymore so I took the responsibility of disposing of your old ones. You don’t mind, do you?” He was trying to make Patton upset. Well, if there was one thing Patton was good at it was hiding when he was upset.

“Of course not!” He said, shaking his head. “Sounds like you’re off to a costume party or something, it’s all about authenticity!”

“You could say that…” D said, walking over with something in his hands. 

Patton blinked in surprise as he got closer, and he managed to make out that it was a roll of duct tape. Maybe he should have stayed quiet as D asked… Patton tried to struggle as the tape was pressed over his mouth, but he was tied up and had a really bad headache, so he didn’t manage much but annoying D.

“That’s much better,” D said with a sinister smile. “It’s going to be taxing, talking as much as you do. But I’ll need to keep up the act for a short time at least…” Patton scowled. “Yes, you see...I had plans for Virgil. Then you came into the picture, and things haven’t been going well ever since. So, I’ve revised the plan and I think this one is much better.” Patton tugged against the ropes again, feeling his heart rate speed up. “And I’ll check in on you, to be sure you’re out of the picture altogether.” D reached over and tugged Patton’s cardigan from around his shoulders, frowning slightly as he fingered a spot of blood.

“That’s unfortunate, but blood stains can be removed.” 

Patton’s eyes widened. He was bleeding!? When did he start bleeding? He tried to yell at D through the duct tape, but it wasn’t very successful. D smirked, wrapping the cardigan in such a way it didn’t show the blood. Patton stared in horror as his doppelganger struck a pose eerily similar to his regular posture, then mimicked Patton’s voice almost perfectly.

“Well Kiddo, it looks like you’re in ‘time out’ for a while.” He said, patting Patton’s aching head. Patton glared at him, trying to hold back tears. He was going to hurt them… he was going to hurt Virgil and maybe Roman and Logan… and Patton couldn't do anything to help them. D walked away, turning the light off and sending Patton into darkness.

“I do hope you’re not afraid of the dark,” he drawled. “And the spiders are harmless…” Patton’s eyes widened and he tugged harder against the ropes, but D just laughed and closed the door to the room, leaving Patton alone.

* * *

They’d made it through the Black Cauldron, Anastasia, and halfway through sleeping beauty before Patton got home. It was strange, and Roman was slightly worried about his friend. It just wasn’t like Patton to be late, especially not for Disney. And especially when he knew Roman wouldn’t sleep, seeing as it was a weekend. So when the door opened and he bounced in, that crazed smile on his face and shopping bags in hand, Roman breathed a sigh of relief.

“Well hey there kiddos!” Patton said in his singsong voice, “sorry I’m late but traffic was just dreadful!”

“It’s quite alright,” Roman said, beaming. “You’re just in time for the last half of Sleeping beauty, who would have known Virgil and I shared a favorite Disney movie!”

“It’s my  _ third _ favorite.” Virgil pointed out, rolling his eyes. Roman opted to ignore this and patted the couch cushion next to him.

“Care to join us, Patton?” He asked. Patton smiled and adjusted his glasses.

“Sure thing Princey, just let me put these bags in my room and I’ll be out in a jiffy!” He said before disappearing into the hallway. 

“Since when does Patton shop at Hot Topic?” Virgil asked skeptically. Roman shrugged.

“Some things are best left to the imagination, including what our friend Patton gets up to in his free time.” he declared, running a hand through his hair. “Though that does seem odd, I agree.”

“Hm.” Virgil frowned, then shrugged and looked back at the TV. “He can do what he wants, I won’t stop him.”

“Of course you won’t.” Roman teased, “you practically live at Hot Topic.”

“Yeah, well I  _ literally _ live here.” Virgil quipped back. “So be nice.”

“I am very nice.” Roman defended himself, flipping his hair. Virgil snorted.

“Yeah, and I love wearing pastels,” he said, Roman glanced at his dark t-shirt and ripped jeans, then nodded.

“Yes, I can tell.” He said sarcastically, Virgil elbowed him with another roll of his eyes. If Roman did flip his hair as much as Logan said, then Virgil rolled his eyes twice that much.

“Hello, Frendos!” Patton said, jumping over the back of the couch and landing cross-legged next to Virgil. Roman nodded, slightly impressed. “What are we watching?”

“Sleeping Beauty,” Roman said, grinning at the television. “You know this is my favorite, Patton.” Patton laughed obnoxiously.

“We sure are two peas in a pod!” he sang. Roman chuckled.

“Just quiet down, this is the most exciting part!” he said, turning up the volume slightly. 

Patton obliged as they all turned their attention back to the TV, and Roman couldn't help but mouth the lines, even though he’d been trying not to. After the Black Cauldron and part of Anastasia, Virgil had gotten a bit annoyed by the constant breathy words. But this was Sleeping Beauty, he couldn't help himself. He knew Virgil was rolling his eyes yet again but ignored it. He was good at ignoring things, especially when people were annoyed at him. Roman smirked to himself, running a hand through his hair. He loved this movie, so much! It really was a shame he’d watched it so often though, there were no surprises anymore. 

“Roman, have you heard from-” Logan stopped after walking in. “oh, hello Patton. I hadn’t realized you returned.”

“I came back for Disney!” Patton said enthusiastically. 

“Well, I can see that,” Logan said, Roman imagined him adjusting his glasses. “How late do you three plan on staying up? This will mess with your sleep schedule, Roman.”

“Oh, it’s Friday!” Roman said, waving a hand. “And I deserve a surprise every now and then, right Patt?”

“Huh? Oh, sure thing!” Patton said happily, giving two thumbs up.

“But, that still changes- oh nevermind.” Logan sighed as he walked to the kitchen. “Are you staying up with them again, Virgil?”

“Maybe until the end of this one,” Virgil said, shrugging.

“Oh, Come on Virge!” Patton said, beaming at them. “Why not have a movie marathon weekend?” Roman frowned.

“We aren’t staying up all night,” he said, scratching his head. “Logan has a point, you know.”

“So do swords,” Patton said, shrugging. Roman smirked, flipping his hair back.

“You all can stay up as late as you want,” Logan said from where he was eating a sandwich. “As long as you keep the volume below twenty, as we’ve agreed.”

“Ohhh, right…” Roman grabbed the remote to lower it. “Sorry Lo, I forgot.”

“As you do every time you watch this one.” Logan sighed. “I’ll be off to bed, and you all should too once this is over. You need to sleep.”

“Oh, don’t be such a worrywart!” Roman said, “that’s Virgil's job!” Virgil sighed.

“It’s called panic dis-” he cut himself off and shook his head, seeming embarrassed. “Nevermind, can we just watch this in peace?”

“Very well, my Knight in Dark Armour.” Roman sighed, though proud of the nickname. He’d made it up on the fly, and it was fabulous. Logan walked out and to his room, Roman rubbed his eyes to keep watching. He had been getting more constant sleep recently… but Patton was right. One night wouldn’t change that much.


	7. Tired

Patton was tired. That had been the worst night of his entire life, assuming it was daytime now. D’s room had no windows, but it had an electric clock on the floor near the bed, and Patton wasn’t sure if it was AM or PM at the present moment. He struggled weakly against the ropes, not even trying to stop the tears from rolling down his face. How had everything gone so wrong? He just wanted to help people, that’s it! He couldn't care less about himself, he just wanted everyone else to be happy. But that was impossible now, he’d messed up. If he’d just stopped thinking of himself for one minute and stayed in the apartment, everything would be fine. Virgil and the others wouldn’t be in danger, D wouldn’t be in his place, and Patton would have gotten sleep. Not that the last one was important, but Roman usually did go to bed when Patton did. D didn’t know anything about Patton’s role, he’d probably screwed it up already.

Patton flinched slightly when eight tiny feet patterned across his neck, more tears welled up in his eyes and he whimpered through the duct tape. He hated spiders, and D’s room was full of them. It really was awful that he lived in such a place, and Patton wished he could help. But, seeing as he was tied up in the dark without his glasses, that would be very very difficult. He hadn’t slept a wink, his head was still pounding and he was sure that meant he had a concussion, and D was probably hurting his friends at this very moment. Today was not a great day. Not to mention it was unbearably quiet, Patton wasn’t a fan of the quiet either. There he went, thinking of himself again. This was really going to mess things up.

Suddenly in the silence, Patton heard a click and turned his head quickly toward the door just as it opened and D stepped inside, turning on the light. He was still dressed as Patton, foundation and all, but he seemed beyond irritated as he slammed the door and stalked over to him. Patton’s eyes widened as D’s hand stretched out, but he still wasn’t prepared for the violent slap to the face.

“Why do you even exist?!” D hissed. “Everything would be so much easier, honestly! You’re exhausting, do you know how hard it is to be annoying on purpose?” his words stung, and Patton tired to force down his feelings like he usually did. But the tears wouldn’t stop coming.

“Oh, you’re pathetic!” D said, grabbing Patton's face and making him look up. “Infuriating, if it wasn’t illegal you’d be dead already.” 

Patton was glad he couldn't talk because the urge to point out that kidnapping was also illegal was overbearing. D snorted in disgust, shoving Patton’s face roughly away, making the chair tilt slightly. Patton squeaked in fear, but the chair just fell back onto its legs. D smirked.

“What, do I make you nervous?” he snarled, spreading his arms. Patton didn’t acknowledge the question, and D laughed. “I really hope I do, Patton. Because you’ve made my life absolute hell.” he forced eye contact again and Patton shuddered. “So, I‘ll just have to do the same for you.” 

And then he was gone, walking down a small dark hallway Patton hadn’t noticed before. He tugged desperately against the ropes, even though he knew it was useless. D was gone for a few minutes, which was enough time to make Patton extremely nervous. What exactly did he mean by making Patton’s life hell? And why was he taking so long? He was probably trying to make Patton freak out, and if that was his plan he was definitely succeeding.

Finally, after what felt like decades, D was back. Before Patton could react, shockingly cold water had been poured over his head and he gasped, spluttering. D’s apartment was already cold; there was no heater. Now, moments after Patton was soaked, he felt goosebumps rise up on his arms. D laughed at his obvious discomfort, taking off Patton’s glasses and setting them on his table.

“You’ve made things very difficult for me, Patton,” he said. Patton tried to ignore him. “You’re just so nice, it’s disgusting. Have you never heard of a ‘me day’?” 

Patton closed his eyes, trying to hold back tears. D must have lied to the others about why he left, it was a weekend after all. And in all the three months he’d known the others, Patton had never once taken, as D called it, a ‘me day’.

“No matter, I managed to shut Logan up before he told the others,” D said, grinning crazily. 

Patton’s eyes snapped open and he tugged harder, even though he was starting to shiver slightly. What did he do? What did D do to Logan? D laughed, walking over and cupping Patton’s chin in his hands.

“You care so much about them, don’t you? Disgusting.” He stated, shaking his head. “Absolutely disgusting.” 

Patton pulled his face away, glaring furiously at D. He’d hurt Logan, that was not going to make Patton any calmer, at all. D rolled his eyes, then left the room again. Patton pulled with all his strength against the ropes, but it was no use. He was panicking, and he was shaking so much from the sudden cold that it was hard to focus much energy on anything else. He had to get out of here, he had to help his friends. Unfortunately, D wasn’t finished yet.

“Funny,” he said as he returned, with another bucket of ice water. “You care so much about them, but they care nothing for you.” Patton winced but tried to push his words out of his head. That wasn’t true. “I did mess up several times, Patton. They questioned, but it was so easy to make them go back to their little self-involved worlds, so unlike you.”

The cold seemed colder now, and Patton shuddered violently as D cackled.

“Honestly, if you were even just a little bit selfish, this would be easier for me.” he continued, walking back toward the hall. “But alas, you have to be a… good person.” 

The way he said it made the words sound twisted, horrible. Patton held back tears. He stopped trying to escape and instead curled up slightly, trying to get himself a little warmer. D returned with a large fan and turned it on facing Patton. 

“I can’t stay long,” he continued as he walked away again. “But I did want to make sure you were uncomfortable, it’s not very often I have guests nowadays.” Patton glared at him, trying to ignore the way he was shaking. “Here,” suddenly D was back, wrapping something around Patton’s shoulders. 

Patton glanced down and tears sprang back to his eyes. It was Virgil’s old jacket… and unlike Patton’s cardigan, the bloodstains were terrifyingly noticeable. 

“We wouldn’t want you getting hypothermia now, would we?” he laughed like it was a great joke, but Patton just held back a small sob. “I really must be going, If I want my plan to work quickly.” D stepped back, adjusting Patton’s cardigan around his shoulders. Patton blinked back tears, but once D had turned off the light and left once again, he stopped trying. Patton let himself break down, shaking from sobs and the cold. Everything was messed up, and it was all his fault. He shouldn’t have been so selfish.

* * *

Logan hadn’t come out all day, and that was definitely not right. Roman ran a hand through his hair to comb it back, scowling at the closed door. First Patton took a ‘me day’ which he’d never done before, but Roman had to agree he needed one after all this, and then Logan broke his rigid schedule? Something… something wasn’t right.

“Hey, Princey?” Virgil poked his head out the window.

“Yeah?” Roman asked, distracted by Logan’s absence.

“You’ve been standing there for like, ten minutes.” Roman opened his mouth to reply when the door behind them opened and Patton bounced inside cheerfully, waving as he saw them.

“Heya, kiddos!” he said, joining them in the hall. “Whatcha talking about?”

“Logan’s acting strangely.” Roman declared.

“You’re the one standing here staring at his door.” Virgil pointed out. Roman sighed loudly, rolling his eyes.

“And I’m doing that  _ because _ he’s acting strangely!”

“Well, what’s he up to?” Patton asked curiously.

“It’s almost eleven.” Roman said, “and he’s still in there.”

“So?” Patton shrugged, smiling. “He always does that, right Virge? You said yourself that Logan stays in there a lot!” Virgil frowned.

“When did I-” Roman shook his head, interrupting the other.

“Logan comes out at exactly ten-thirty every Saturday.” he elaborated. “You’re the one who explained it to me, Patton. Don’t you remember? Rigid routine, and all that?” Patton seemed uneasy at this but nodded.

“Oh, yes of course…” he said, fumbling with the sleeve of his cardigan. Virgil narrowed his eyes, and Roman wasn’t surprised. That didn’t sound like Patton’s usual voice at all.

“Are you feeling well, Patton?” he asked, tilting his head. Patton blinked, then immediately brightened.

“Well of course I am!” he said, putting his hands on his hips. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Why don't you go check on Lo, Princey?” Virgil asked, still watching Patton with narrowed eyes. “I’m sure he’d appreciate it…”

“Alright, I will.” Roman shrugged, turning to Logan’s door.

“No!” Patton grabbed his arm and They stared at him in shock. “I-I mean… he’s sick! That’s right, that’s what I was going to tell you!” he smiled widely. “Logan came down with…. A cold. He doesn’t want to be-”  _ Thump _ . A loud noise came from Logan’s bedroom and Roman scowled, tugging away from Patton.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you today,” he said, walking to the door anyway. Patton looked distressed, but Virgil just nodded at him to continue. “I’m going to check on Logan.”

He opened the door, then stared in horror at what he saw. Logan was tied to his desk chair, his necktie used as a kind of gag as he stared at Roman with wide eyes, shaking his head.

“What on earth…” Roman rushed over and pulled the gag out of Logan’s mouth.

“DECEIT!” Logan yelled, tugging against the ropes. Roman scowled.

“What-”

“More specifically, him!” Logan said, nodding toward the doorway. Roman turned to see Patton standing there, but… it wasn’t quite Patton. His face was twisted with anger and he had hold of Virgil with his arms twisted up over his head. “We’ve been deceived, that is not Patton!”

* * *

Water made the ropes easier to slide out of. Patton wiggled his hands furiously, feeling them slowly inch free. He’d been at it for at least thirty minutes now, and he had to get out soon. D would be back at the apartment, doing who knows what to Roman and Virgil, and maybe still Logan. Patton choked back sobs and forced himself to work harder, ignoring the way the ropes scraped into his hands and wrists as he pulled them free with one burst of violent energy. He gasped, falling roughly onto the floor in D’s room. Immediately, his hands flew up and ripped the duct tape from his mouth as he scrambled to his feet. He had to get to the others, they needed him. He could feel it.

Once on the street, Patton knew exactly where he was and how to get home. He was a mere two blocks away from the apartment, but that meant D had been there longer than he thought. That was bad. People stared as Patton ran down the sidewalk, soaked from head to toe with a bloodstained jacket around his shoulders. He didn’t care, he just had to get home. Patton stumbled a few times, nearly faceplanting, but managed not to. His head was pounding worse, and he reached up to wipe the water out of his eyes to see it wasn’t water, it was blood. His wound had reopened.

“Sir, are you-”

“I’m fine!” Patton said, taking off again to the apartment building. 

He ignored everyone and everything as he got in the elevator, hitting the button for level 4 several times before the doors slid closed. He was crying again, but Patton didn’t really care. He was worried, so incredibly worried. What if he was somehow too late? What if D had done something terrible? What if what if what if? Patton could hear raised voices inside the apartment as he reached the door.

“How  _ dare _ you!” that was Roman, he sounded absolutely furious.

“This is punishable by law, you know that right?” Logan’s voice, oh that meant Logan was okay! Patton reached for his wallet before remembering that D had taken it, so he knelt and lifted the welcome mat. It was cliche, yeah, but effective as he grabbed the key and jammed it into the lock.

“Where is Patton!” he couldn't tell which of his friends demanded to know, but he stumbled inside just as they did. “Where is he?!” 

Patton stared at the scene. Roman was the one yelling, he had D pinned up against the wall, he was furious. Patton was shocked to see tears in Roman’s eyes… tears? Over what? It dawned on him as Patton looked to Logan and Virgil. Virgil was curled up, as far away from D as possible, and Logan was trying to comfort him. The tears were for Patton; they hadn’t seen him yet.

“Whatever do you mean?” D sneered. “I am and always have been Patton!” was he still trying to trick them? Whatever had happened, it was clear none of Patton’s friends were fooled. D’s eyes drifted over to Patton’s and widened in shock.

“Tell us where-” Roman followed his gaze and gasped, dropping D as he spun around. “PATTON!” Logan and Virgil both looked over as Patton stumbled further in, letting the door close. He was getting dizzy, and it was still hard to see without his glasses… and he was tired. Really really tired.

“Oh, my-” Roman caught him as he stumbled. “Patton, you’re  _ bleeding _ !”

“I’m calling the police,” Logan said in the background, but Patton couldn't help from grinning as he saw all three of his roommates together, apparently unharmed.

“Patton, buddy stay with me.” now Virgil was the one above him, Patton chuckled, rubbing his eyes.

“Th-thank  _ god _ …” he mumbled.

“What?!” Virgil asked, eyes wide. “What, Patton?”

“You guys… are all okay…” Patton said, letting his eyes slide shut. “I-I was worried…”

“ _ You _ were worried?” Virgil asked incredulously, lowering him down onto the couch. “Patt, what did he do to you?” Patton didn’t answer, he couldn't. Everything that had happened the past day was rushing back to him, and Patton was tired.


	8. Selfish

Patton didn’t remember much of what happened after he got back. The initial shock and reuniting, yeah, but after that, it was all a blur. He was sure he fell asleep at one point, but that wasn’t clear either. He’d never been a heavy sleeper anyway. He did know that police came and then D was gone, and that at some point the bloodstained jacket was taken from around his shoulders. Where to, he wasn’t sure.

While he was asleep - the part he didn’t remember at all - someone cleaned the wound on his head and bandaged it. Also, which was a little embarrassing, someone had changed him out of his wet clothes into the cozy cat onesie he’d received a few Christmases prior from his sister. He didn’t feel like dwelling on that as he regained consciousness, though. He was more worried about the others.

What had D done in his place? How had they even found out he was an imposter? Questions rushed through Patton’s mind as he thought about opening his eyes. Were they injured at all?  _ What had happened? _

“Patt, you waking up?” he hadn’t realized someone was right next to him. He opened his eyes, finding himself on the couch with Virgil sitting beside him, headphones on. 

“Virgil!” he tried to sit up, but Virgil shook his head, pressing him back into the couch cushions.

“Patt, you need to rest.” He said softly.

“Virge…” Patton didn’t try to fight, but he was still worried. “Virgil are you okay?” Virgil stared at him blankly.

“What?” his voice came out hoarse and Patton bit his lip. “Patt… did you really just ask if I was okay…  _ again _ ?”

“Is he awake!?” Roman’s voice was loud, just like always.

“Virge, come on!” Patton begged. “I just.. I need to make sure….!”

“What?” Virgil asked. “Make what sure?”

“That you’re okay!” Patton said irritably, staring at the ceiling. “I… he was going to hurt you guys or something, and-”

“Patt, he hurt you more than he could have possibly hurt any of us in that time,” Virgil stated. “Logan found out what he was doing long before he tried anything, we were just worried about you.” 

“About me,” Patton repeated, turning the idea over in his mind. He knew, of course, that they’d been mad at D for posing as him. That much was clear from what he’d seen when he got home. But actually worried… he couldn't quite understand.

“Well, yeah about you,” Virgil said, shifting uncomfortably. “You’ve helped us all so much, and-”

“Patton!” Roman appeared from behind the couch. “I’m so glad you’re awake!”

“Me too, I guess…” Patton said, sitting up despite Virgil’s best efforts. He was getting a headache again.

“Here, these were in your room!” Roman pushed a pair of glasses into Patton’s hand, the extra pair he kept for emergencies. Patton slipped them on and got a better look at his friends. Roman seemed frazzled, and he had a large bruise along one cheekbone. Patton’s eyes widened.

“Roman, what happened?!” he demanded, trying to get to his feet.

“Stop!” Virgil said, holding him onto the couch. “Patt, please! We’re all fine!”

“But-”

“Patton, it’s just a bruise,” Roman said, waving a hand of dismissal. “And you really shouldn’t… be exerting yourself so much.”

“I’m… not!” Patton defended unhappily. He was, he was getting tired again already. But he had to know the others were okay. “Where’s Logan?”

“He’s… not home.” Virgil said, obviously leaving something out. Patton tried to get up again, but now they both held him back. 

“But-”

“What are you so worried about?” Roman asked, flipping his hair. “That snake is gone and won’t get near you again, everything is fine.”

“I don’t care about D!” Patton said shrilly. “I care about you guys! Where’s Logan? D said he… he did something to him, and-”

“Whoa, calm down, Patton!” Virgil said, grabbing Patton’s shoulders. “Logan is fine, honest. He just went to give a statement to the police, okay?” 

Patton blinked. Why Logan of all people? Was it because D  _ did _ hurt him more than the others? The word seemed to bend around him and then Virgil was slipping the headphones on his head, and Patton was met with a Disney song, one of his favorites from ‘The Little Mermaid’. His vision cleared and he stared at Virgil’s worried face. The song finished and the next one started playing, it was an instrumental from Hercules. This was Roman’s playlist. 

Roman sat on his other side now, face almost as twisted in concern as Virgils. Patton listened to all the way through the second song, and slipped the headphones off when it started to play ‘Mother Knows Best’.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly, rubbing a finger along the knee of his onesie, making a line of darker gray fur.

“For what?” Virgil asked. “You were literally kidnapped, Patton. You’re allowed to be a little freaked out.”

“But… Logan, and-”

“Logan is perfectly fine,” Roman assured him. “Just focus on you right now. You need to get better.” 

Patton didn’t reply. Focus on himself? He hadn’t focused on himself since he was a child, and it hadn’t turned out well for him or anyone. Not to mention, he’d never been told it was alright to focus on himself. That was against the golden rule.

“Patt, we owe you,” Virgil mumbled softly. “The least we can do is pay you back for what you’ve done.”

“What have  _ I _ done?” Patton asked, raising an eyebrow. They both stared at him.

“You’re kidding, right?” Roman asked, running a hand through his hair. “You know how much you’ve helped us since we met.”

“I made everything worse,” Patton said, shaking his head. 

“What?” Virgil seemed shocked. “How on earth- what?!”

“Especially for you, Virge,” Patton mumbled softly, staring at the floor. “I.. I didn’t help as much as I should have, I could have done so much more, and I could have made you happier, and-”

“How hard did he hit your head?” Virgil asked.

“Um, wow, rude much?” Roman asked.

“What does that have to do with anything?” Patton asked, fiddling with the cord of the headphones. “It’s true, isn’t it?”

“Of course it’s not true,” Virgil said, leaning forward to look in Patton’s eyes. “Patton, why one earth would you think that? You helped all of us, we were talking about it earlier.”

“Talking about… what?” Patton asked. How annoying he was? How he put his nose in other people’s business?

“You helped me with my insomnia,” Roman said sheepishly, running a hand through his hair. “I hadn’t had a good night's sleep in years until I met you, Patt.”

“...years?” holy wow… that wasn’t healthy.

“You helped me with my Anxiety, and Panic Disorder,” Virgil said. “Even when… when the people who should have cared about me didn’t care at all.”

“I made it worse, Virgil.” Patton insisted. “When you got mad at me I left you alone, and I let D hurt you, and I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and I was a bad friend, and I-”

“Whoa, calm down.” Virgil put his hands on Patton’s shoulders again. “You’re working yourself up again, Patton. You helped me way more than you knew. I confronted D because of you, and… I got out of that relationship.”

“Yeah, and then this whole disaster happened,” Patton said, looking away. “And now you guys are worried over me and it’s just… Just a mess.”

“Patt, why are you so upset over not helping us  _ more _ ? Look at all the good things you’ve done!” Roman said, gesturing wildly around the room. 

Patton glanced around, imagining nights he’d stayed up even though he shouldn’t, trying to get Roman to bed. Days when it was just him and Logan, and they watched documentaries and Logan told him small stories about his past. Virgil’s panic attacks, and hugs and music. Uno nights, Disney marathons. Three months of the best friendship he’d ever had… he felt tears well up in his eyes as he remembered the night he met D, and when Roman drove him out. Virgil came back and yelled at him, two weeks of near solitude that his friends didn’t even notice. He didn’t want them to notice. Patton saw what he’d seen the night before, pain and emotion swirling through the air.

“Aw, Patt…” 

Virgil awkwardly pulled Patton into a hug, and Patton couldn't help but stiffen. He was used to hugging, not being hugged. After a moment, he melted into the embrace and - without even thinking about it - started to cry. He hadn’t cried in front of someone for years. The small tears Logan had glimpsed didn’t count, because now Patton was really  _ crying _ . Years of emotions seemed to flood through his mind and out as Virgil hugged him tightly. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he could hear a voice, telling him to stop being so selfish. To stop and just pay attention, and make the others laugh. But he couldn't, even though he desperately wanted to.

“Patton, it’s going to be alright,” Roman said softly from behind him.

“I-I-I was just so worried about you…” Patton managed after a moment, starting to calm down a bit. Roman and Virgil exchanged a look Patton didn’t quite understand but stayed silent for a while longer. Then Roman got up and went to the box of movies.

“What’s your favorite Disney Movie, Patton?” He asked. Patton hesitated. 

“I… I don’t really have a favorite.” he lied, wiping tears away. “Why don’t you choose?”

“Patt, no,” Virgil said firmly. “It's your turn.” Patton shook his head.

“I really don’t care,” he said, rubbing his arm. “Whatever you guys want… I guess whatever would make you feel better, and-”

“I’d feel better if you just told us your favorite Disney movie,” Roman said. Patton sighed, burying his face in his hands.

_ Don’t be selfish, don’t think about yourself, don’t have favorites don’t have opinions don’t be selfish. _

“Patt?”

“I really like the little mermaid,” Patton whispered through his hands, feeling like his heart was ripping itself apart.

_ Selfish selfish selfish selfish _

“Ah, alright then!” Roman rummaged through and pulled out the CD. “we haven’t watched this one yet, should be fun!”

“Patt… you okay?” Virgil wrapped an arm around Patton’s shoulder, and it felt more natural than the first hug. Patton leaned into it slightly, taking deep breaths. 

“Y-yeah… just…” he shook his head, forcing a sad smile; the only smile he could make. “I’m alright.” Virgil clearly didn’t believe him, but neither he or Roman said anything as the movie started.

Patton really did like the movie, but he felt bad. He knew this wasn’t a favorite for a lot of people, and it did have mixed messages. But there was just something about it, he wasn’t quite sure. Maybe he just liked mermaids. They were barely ten minutes in when Patton felt his eyelids starting to droop, which made sense. He hadn’t slept at all the night he spent in D’s apartment, adding to that everything else… but he still felt guilty. They’d turned on this movie for him and he wasn’t even going to stay awake for it! Not even his favorite part! Patton rubbed his eyes, trying to stay awake.

“Patt, you can sleep y’know,” Roman said softly. “You’ve been trying not to since you woke up.”

“I-I can’t just fall asleep during a movie…” Patton said, stifling a yawn. “Y-you guys didn’t even want to watch it, and-”

“I want to watch it,” Virgil said, folding his arms and staring at the screen. “Love this.”

“...no one loves this movie…” Patton murmured softly. “Cept maybe… me.” He knew he was right, and Virgil sighed.

“You need rest, buddy.”

“But-”

“ _ Rest _ .” Virgil insisted, looking at him. “Do you want to go sit in your room alone? Would you sleep then?” 

Patton blinked in surprise, thinking it over. Alone would mean he couldn't bug anyone… but that would be self-fulfillment. It would be selfish. On the other hand, he really didn’t want to be alone. He wanted them near him, and that was selfish too.

“I don’t know,” he confessed, looking back at the TV.

“Then just fall asleep out here,” Roman said, flipping his hair. It really was just an instinct for the guy… Patton smirked slightly and nodded, letting his eyes slide shut.

_ Selfish _

Patton was Tired.


	9. Unhealthy

Logan wasn’t quite sure what emotion he was feeling. That had been happening a lot the past two days. He always did his best to quench emotions before they got powerful at all, and anger had always been hard. He knew anger, and that was part of what seemed to bubble inside him. But it wasn’t alone, which was confusing. Patton would undoubtedly know, Logan didn’t know why he thought that, but he did. Patton seemed to do well with things like feelings, he’d helped Virgil and Roman both with a kind of… feeling disorder. No, mental disorder. He’d helped Logan too, of course, but knew very little about anything other than the emotions.

Logan stared over at his sleeping friends, feeling that strange emotion grow inside him. Coming home to find a dogpile to the credits of The Little Mermaid was… if he was using the word correctly, adorable. Logan smirked slightly, taking off his glasses and cleaning them on his shirt. They’d been asleep for hours now, and he knew he’d have to wake them to eat or something, but he didn’t want to. Roman had insomnia, very severely, and with Patton not here the past night he’d stayed up far too late. Virgil of course, always needed more sleep. And Patton… oh, Patton. Another feeling swept through him, but Logan recognized it. Regret.

“If only I’d made more noise.” he murmured softly, putting his glasses back on. 

He’d seen D putting makeup over his scar early in the morning before the others were awake, but D had seen him. Then he left, to take a ‘me’ day. Logan should have done something… to get Patton back sooner. It was just a few hours, yes, but he knew human psychology was greatly affected by things like this. And Patton, of all people, seemed to be in touch with his emotions the most. The ordeal must have been extremely taxing on him, not to mention he returned sporting various small injuries… and one large injury. 

Logan tried to decipher his feelings once more, and could only come up with bits and pieces. He was, of course, angry. That much he knew, and he was feeling… regret for not helping his friend. That honestly seemed more of a Patton-like emotion, but yet here he was feeling it. Then there were the other bits, sadness and something that kept Logan on the couch, watching over them. He blinked, then nodded.  _ Worry _ . He was worried about Patton. Logan chuckled a bit, shaking his head. Look at this, Logan thinking about feelings for more that one moment. It was strange but not altogether bad like he’d feared.

“...Lo?” Logan’s eyes shot back up and met another pair framed in glasses. He smiled, moving closer to his friend without waking Roman.

“Patton, it’s good that you are awake,” he said, glancing away as he adjusted his tie. “Not that you shouldn’t be sleeping, of course. Sleep is important, I was just… I hadn’t seen you awake yet.”

“You alright?” Patton asked. Logan blinked in surprise.

“...yes,” he said slowly. “Patton… while I am physically well, you are not. Shouldn’t you be taking care of yourself today?” Patton refused to meet Logan’s eyes now, which was classic when one is hiding something. “Patton?”

“I-I was just…” Patton’s breathing quickened and Logan saw tears in his eyes. “I was so worried about you… D said he did something to you, and I didn’t want you to get hurt because of me…”

“D-” Logan took a deep breath. “That… snake… didn’t harm me physically, not very much.”

“But he did?” Patton’s voice rose an octave and Logan stared at him.

“Patton, I’m quite alright, as you put it.” he insisted. “You shouldn’t be worrying yourself so, it cannot be good for you.”

“I don’t care,” Patton said carelessly, slumping down slightly. Virgil stirred but didn’t wake up. Logan frowned.

“It seems to me, you care very much about something,” he said. “I’m no expert on feelings, but-”

“I’m not an expert,” Patton said, slightly defensive. Logan shrugged.

“You know more about it than me, which can be said of little else,” he said, smirking slightly. Patton sighed, looking away. “Patton… I was worried for you.” Patton slowly turned to make eye contact with him again, and Logan was shocked that the doubt was so clearly on his friend's face that even he could read it.

“Why?” 

“Because we’re friends!” Logan said, feeling what he’d felt as D attacked him the day before. Fear. “Why wouldn’t I be worried about a friend in need? You always are!”

“That-” Patton scowled. “That’s different, I guess.”

“Why?” Logan asked, raising an eyebrow. “Because you’re the one who needs help this time?” Patton didn’t answer, and for once Logan was horrified to see that he was right.

* * *

_ Selfish Selfish Selfish _

“Patton… I’m sorry.” Logan said softly. Patton shook his head, rubbing the bandage absently.

“Don’t be sorry, you’re right.” He replied, smirking. “As usual.” 

“Why is it any different who needs help, as long as they get it?” Logan asked. Patton didn’t answer, just shifted slightly to make Roman more comfortable. “Patton, please just talk to me.” Patton bit his lip, wringing his hands slightly.

He wanted to. Oh, he  _ so _ wanted to just talk, and pour out everything in front of him and be selfish. He wanted to be selfish, just one day in his entire life. After that, he could go back to how it had been, even though it would be impossible. He wanted to tell Logan the rule, he wanted to tell Logan everything.

But he didn’t.

He never got the chance.

“Patton, please!” At Logan’s tense voice, both Roman and Virgil jerked awake, and Patton immediately internalized every thought he’d considered sharing. Logan was one thing, but all three of them? No way. Because he was selfish.

“L-Logan? What time is it?” Virgil asked, rubbing his eyes. Logan sighed, looking away.

“It’s around five-thirty, I was actually going to order dinner soon.” The very thought of food made Patton feel sick.

“We fell asleep,” Roman said, stretching.

“No, really? We had no idea!” Virgil said, chuckling. “Sleep well, Patt?”

“Huh? Oh, sure thing Kiddo!” Patton said cheerfully, giving him a thumbs up. Logan raised his eyebrows, and Roman seemed to notice.

“How long were you awake, Patton?” he asked. 

“Oh, not long at all.” Patton lied quickly, forcing a chuckle. He hated lying.

“Really.” Virgil didn’t believe him.

_ Selfish Selfish Selfish _

“...well maybe I was awake for a little while, but I wanted to let you guys sleep.” he confessed, staring at his hands. “Sleep is very important, you know.” Roman let out a long breath, glancing at Logan.

“He’s right,” Logan said, shrugging. “It is.”

“What did you guys talk about before we woke up?” Virgil asked casually, Patton bit his lip.

“Oh, you know….” he waved a hand, but Logan decided to step in. Unfortunately. 

“Patton seems to… think we’re more important than he is.” He said, and the room fell silent.

“What do you mean by ‘more important’?” Virgil asked, looking at Patton. Patton avoided his gaze.

“I’m not sure, he won’t tell me anything else,” Logan said, getting to his feet. “I’ll go order that dinner, what do you want Patton?”

“I-I’m not really hungry,” Patton said quickly. “You guys can choose.” 

“But we’re asking you,” Roman said, folding his arms. “I know you’ve got to be hungry.” Patton was hungry, but he felt sick at the thought of eating. He had no idea why, but he was sure he’d just throw up.

“I really don’t want anything.” he insisted, looking down to hide the tears in his eyes. “Please just get something for yourselves.” There was a beat of silence, then another. All Patton could hear was his own quick breathing and the beating of his heart.

“Just order a pizza or something, Lo.” Virgil finally said, breaking the silence. Logan made a noise of agreement, but Patton didn’t look up. He stared down at the knees of his onesie, trying not to cry.

“...Patton?”

“...yeeees?” Patton reached up and hurriedly wiped tears away, then looked up. He knew they saw, he just… he could pretend they didn’t.

“You know how much we care about you, don’t you?”

“Of- of course…” Patton said, trying to seem surprised. 

What was he supposed to say? He never… he never thought about that. Well, maybe that wasn’t true… but he didn’t think anyone cared about Patton. He didn’t care about Patton, and the world didn’t care about Patton. He’d known that for years. Roman didn’t seem convinced, but he nodded anyway. Of course, he nodded anyway, just goes to show that D was right. They didn’t care about him at all. 

“I-I’ll be right back…” Patton said abruptly, standing and nearly falling over.

“Whoa!” Roman jumped up, steadying him. “Patton!”

“I… need to go to the bathroom.” Patton lied, hating himself for every word. “And I need to... Check on something… I’ll be out in a minute.” Roman bit his lip, looking at Virgil. Virgil sighed, shrugging.

“Do you think you can walk there?” Roman asked worriedly.

“I walked all the way here from D’s apartment,” Patton said, starting gingerly toward his room. “I think I can manage.” 

He made it to his room before stumbling. Patton gasped as he fell against the wall, wincing at the soft thud he made. Silence, they didn’t seem to have heard. He took a deep breath before walking to the bed and sitting down, reaching up to wipe his eyes. After a moment of resting, Patton got up again and crossed to his dresser. 

Luckily his room didn’t seem to be messed up very much. Though that might mean he was doing other things, hurting someone. Patton grit his teeth and stared into the mirror above the dresser. He looked awful. The bandage wrapped around his head was bloodstained and should probably be changed soon, and there was a faint bruise on his cheekbone similar to Roman’s. Patton closed his eyes, breathing deeply as he tried to calm down. Everything was fine, it would go back to the way it was. He just had to convince them that he was okay, and they’d stop worrying. He could do this, he always had. 

It took him a few minutes to change from the cat onesie back to his regular clothes, which made him feel somewhat better. It also made him feel a little worse in a different way since it revealed the ugly marks on his wrists that he hadn’t noticed before. The ropes had dug into his skin more than he noticed, and the flesh around it was bruised. His elbows were bruised too, from knocking against the wood of the chair all the time.

“Patton?” Patton gasped, nearly falling over when someone knocked on the door.

“Y-yes?” he hated that he stuttered, it would just make them worry more. “D’you need something, Princey?” Roman sighed, opening the door. Patton frowned.

“Patt, you should be resting,” Roman said, pulling Patton down onto his bed. Patton sat up anyway, scratching his neck.

“I’m not tired.” He’d always been a terrible liar, and he didn’t like lying. But which was more important, being selfless or being honest? The world said it was being selfless. The world didn’t think of Patton.

“Patton…” Roman sighed, running a finger along one of the marks on Patton’s wrist. “Come get pizza.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Patton!” Roman snapped. Patton flinched and Princey’s eyes widened. “I-I mean… Patt, you need to eat something. You haven’t eaten anything in too long… and you need to rest. How about I bring the pizza in here for you, would that be better?”

“You don’t need to go to any trouble,” Patton said, chewing his lip. “I-I can come out with you, I guess.” Roman frowned, then sighed.

“If that’s all I’m going to get, fine.” he stood up. “But you’ll tell me if you start hurting, won’t you?”

“Sure.” Patton stood up, taking a deep breath. He really didn’t want to eat anything, he wasn’t hungry. He felt like he’d just throw it up. But he didn’t want the others to worry, and he didn’t want them to try hard to make him eat. So Patton grudgingly went out and sat at the kitchen table with his friends. Logan still seemed slightly upset about what had happened before the others woke up, which worried Patton. Would he keep pursuing that conversation? He knew Logan would hate the answers. They all would, and he didn’t want to upset them.

“After this, you should sleep,” Logan said, glancing up at him. Patton remained silent, picking at the pizza before him. “Optimal rest will let your body recover the quickest, not to mention you’re sleep deprived.” 

Patton took a small bite to avoid answering, it tasted like cardboard. Patton glanced around at the others, trying to read them without making them worry about him. From what he could tell, they were already worried. Awesome. He couldn't tell anything else, they kept glancing at him and sending those looks at each other. He couldn't tell if Roman’s cheek was hurting, or if Virgil was having too much anxiety or not, or even if Logan was keeping anything from them. He wanted to know, he wanted to help them. But if he asked, he knew what they’d say.

“Please eat something, Patton.” Patton glanced up when Virgil spoke, then took another small bite. He was hungry, he knew he was. It just… didn’t taste good at all. 

“...you guys sure you’re okay?” he finally mumbled, avoiding eye contact. Roman slammed his hands down on the table and then buried his face in his arms, Patton bit his lip. Logan rubbed his forehead, and Virgil stared at him.

“What is with you and making sure we’re okay?” he demanded.

“I’m just-”

“Patton, it is unhealthy for you to care about us more than yourself,” Logan said, closing his eyes. “You have to know that.”

“I-”

“We don’t need you to take care of us, Patton,” Virgil said softly. “Let us take care of you for once.” Patton blinked, staring at him. He tried to keep the pain from showing on his face, but those words felt like he’d been thrust through with one of Roman’s prop swords.  _ We don’t need you _ .

“...okay,” Patton said, looking down and picking up his pizza. No one said anything. “I get it.”

“Patt-”

“I get it,” Patton said again, taking another bite. “I’ll go get rest, okay?” He finished the slice off as quickly as he could, even though he felt like throwing it back up, then stood.

“Get some rest,” Virgil said softly, staring at the table.

“Sure,” Patton said, wishing he could just erase what happened and go back to life as it had been. Everything would still be fine if D hadn’t come and ruined everything. Patton made sure to lock his door this time before he lay down and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t want to sleep, but Patton was tired.


	10. Medication

Patton sat cross-legged on his bed, staring down at the pill bottle he was holding. Pain medication, for his concussion. One tablet every six hours. Or, for a better fix, all of them at once. He cringed slightly at the morbid thought, but only slightly. Roman had delivered the medication to him early that morning, seeming to remember about the pounding headache Patton had. Patton hadn’t taken a single one, not yet. It felt like nails were driving into his head at every movement, and thought, and whenever his wrists rubbed against something they stung painfully. But all that could stop, in just a few minutes.

_ We don’t need you _

They didn’t need him. Patton felt his throat tighten as more tears welled up in his eyes. If they didn’t need him, then why was he even here? He was supposed to help others, but they didn’t need him. They didn’t even want him. Patton wasn’t necessary. He grimaced, closing his eyes as tears tracked down his face. Patton wasn’t necessary. Patton didn’t need to be here. No one thought of Patton. The world didn’t think of Patton. Patton shouldn’t even think of Patton. But he did. Patton was selfish.

_ Selfish Selfish Selfish _

Patton choked back a sob, gripping the lid of the meds tightly with a shaking hand. He slowly twisted it, and then dropped the lid on the blanket next to him. He frowned slightly, looking at the size of the pills. He could probably swallow three at once, to get them down faster. Moving faster now despite the pain in his head, Patton shook three out into his palm and grabbed the water from his nightstand.

_ We don’t need you _

He glanced to the side, procrastinating, and his gaze fell on the three envelopes he’d prepared that morning. He hadn’t slept long, too upset to get enough rest. He’d thought long and hard about who he could leave a letter to, and had only been able to think of his roommates. Not his family, that was for sure. And Patton had no friends other than them, even though he was sure they didn’t like him very much. The notes were short and concise, and next to them was a paper out in the open with an even shorter note. His eyes scanned it, and he knew he was just procrastinating what he was going to do.

_ Treat others the way you want to be treated. That’s the most important thing on earth, and it always has been. Put others before yourself, that’s what everyone has always told me. The thing is... the world that told me to care about others first doesn’t care about Patton either. So if Patton wasn’t thinking of Patton… and the world wasn’t thinking of Patton… who was thinking of Patton? No one was thinking of Patton. That’s the way it was supposed to be, the way it always had been. I’m too selfish to keep trying… so I give up. The world doesn’t need Patton anymore. _

Patton choked back tears and looked away from the note. He took a sip of water and took a deep breath.

“On three.” talking to himself was useless, but he didn’t care. “One…” He was going to miss his friends. “Two…” and puppies. Maybe there would be puppies if he ended up in heaven. “Thr-”

“What are you doing!?” Patton’s eyes shot to the door, where Logan had just opened and stood frozen. He walked forward swiftly and Patton realized what he was going to do. He was going to stop Patton from leaving. Patton forced the pills into his mouth, but Logan grabbed him and pushed him onto his stomach, knocking the water across the suicide note. Patton gagged, spitting all three pills back out onto the blanket.

“L-let go of me!” he yelled, trying to get Logan off of him.

“Patton, what are you thinking!?” Logan demanded, voice full of emotion for the first time since Patton met him. Anger, worry, sadness… fear.

“Get off, Logan!” Patton begged, tears soaking the blanket where his face was pressed.

“Patton!” Logan said, hands tightening painfully on Patton’s shoulders. Patton gasped.

“Y-you’re hurting me!” he cried desperately. Logan immediately loosened his grip, pulling Patton into a sitting position. He was shocked to see Logan was crying too and looked away quickly.

“Patton…” Logan was breathing heavily. “What the  _ hell _ .”

“What in Disney’s name is going on in here!” Roman said, hurrying in with Virgil on his heels. “Patton, are you alright?”

“No!” Patton said, staring in dismay at the pills that had spilled onto the floor. “Look what you’ve done, Logan, you ruined it!”

“ _ Don’t! _ ” Logan grabbed his wrist as Patton reached for them. Patton stared at him.

“...Logan…?” Roman asked softly.

“He was trying to kill himself,” Logan said. 

Patton swallowed, looking away from them all. He knew what their reactions would be, he knew them better than anyone. Virgil was devastated, probably going to have a panic attack. Roman was confused and angry but also concerned. Logan was… well, he didn’t know Logan as well as he wanted to. But it was supposed to be too late.

“Let go of me.” he pulled from Logan's grasp and flopped back onto his pillow, which had been soaked when the water spilled. 

“What do you mean kill himself?” Roman asked. Patton was right, he was confused. 

Logan pulled the note from under Patton’s head and read it, Patton didn’t try to stop crying. It was useless, they knew how selfish he was now. Everything was ruined. The room was silent, except for the sobs Patton tried and failed to stifle. After a few moments, someone gently wrapped their arms around Patton’s shoulders and lifted him up. Patton let them, meaning to flop back down anyway, but instead, Logan held him tightly up, keeping him close. For some reason, that made everything worse. 

“Gee, Patt…” Virgil said from somewhere to Patton’s left. “W-we didn’t know, I didn’t… that’s  _ not _ what I meant at all.” Patton didn’t reply, he couldn't stop crying. It was like years and years of keeping it in flowed out of him at that moment, and in a way, it felt good. Patton was terrified.

“Wh-why…” Patton choked out, looking at Logan. “Why did you stop me?”

“Patton!” Virgil protested, but Logan didn’t seem to notice. He just stared at Patton, frowning slightly.

“I didn’t want to lose someone else,” he said softly. “Not like that.”

“I-I-I’m so sorry!” Patton choked out, rubbing his eyes and knocking his glasses off. “I-I didn’t know, and I-I… I wanted to just be selfish for once a-an-and I jus-”

“Being selfish… isn’t a bad thing.” Roman said softly. “Not all the time, anyway. Sometimes you need to be selfish, Patton. I don’t care what… someone else may have told you. It doesn’t matter.” his voice grew firmer, more confident. “You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, it just makes sense.”

“I-I… I kinda did…” Patton protested. “Before… I had a job and everything, but-”

“But nothing,” Logan said, shaking his head. “I don’t believe Roman was talking about logistical things or physical needs.” Patton remained silent. “Everyone has emotions, Patton. Nothing changes that, and people have emotional needs. Heaven knows you taught me that.”

“But-”

“Enough,” Virgil said, obviously close to tears. “This stops now, Patton. You need to actually  _ care _ about yourself.”

“For now, though…” Logan said, glancing at the pills spread across the floor. “We’ll clean this up and check the bandages on your head.” Patton sighed, then nodded.

“If that’s what you want, I guess.” He mumbled softly. He heard one of them sigh softly, but Logan just nodded and patted Patton’s shoulder.

“Baby steps.”

* * *

After cleaning up the pills and assuring that Patton wouldn’t try to take his life again, it took Logan ten minutes to cajole his family’s phone number from Patton. He resisted for a long time, saying first he didn’t want to bother him, then that they might not answer, and then finally spoke what Logan knew he thought was the truth.

“They don’t care, Logan!” he burst out, tears filling his eyes once again. “They’ve never cared about me, go ahead and ask them!” and he’d given Logan his parent’s number. Logan was slightly afraid of what he'd find, but left Patton with the others and went to the kitchen to call them.

They answered after the fourth ring.

“Hello, what do you want?” The voice was so rough Logan doubted whether it had ever spoken a kind word.

“Are you Mr...Hart?” he asked, glancing down at the name he’d jotted eons ago on the notepad magnetized to the fridge. After Patton’s name.

“I am, and who is this?”

“I’m Logan, a friend of your son,” he said. There was silence. “Is Patton Hart your son?”

“You could call him that…” the voice said, somehow less welcoming than before. “What do you want?”

“Mr. Hart… I don’t know how to tell you this,” Logan said softly. “But Patton attempted suicide today.” a beat, then two.

“Attempted?” Logan was disgusted at the disappointment in the man’s voice. “What stopped him?”

“I stopped him,” Logan said, gripping the phone tightly. “Did you hear what I said? Patton tried to kill himself!”

“I know what suicide is.” The man snapped. “And I think it was about time the kid took care of himself, he’s useless any-”

“You’re kidding.” Logan braced himself on the counter. “Mr. Hart… do you hear yourself? Patton is a person, a living human! Do you understand the psychological stress he must be under?”

“No, and I wish you hadn’t stopped him.” the man spat. “Good day.” and the line went dead. 

Logan dropped the phone, nearly falling to the floor before he caught himself on the counter again. He stared at the cupboards, not really seeing them. Logan saw ninth grade him get home from school and run up to his brother's bedroom. He saw the past play out much like the last day had, except vastly different. Logan didn’t get to his brother before he took the pills. Logan didn’t stop his brother from swallowing them and falling asleep. Logan didn’t wake his brother up, no matter how hard he tried. 

He’d been hysterical and missed school for the next week. Logan could still remember that day, but the next months were blank to him. He had to retake his freshman year of high school because he didn’t do any homework after his brother killed himself. The second time he took those classes, Logan became a robot. He did his homework and got one hundred percent, no matter how late he stayed up to study. He didn’t stop until he met Patton, and everything changed for the better.

He hadn’t seen the signs with his own brother, and now he’d nearly missed them with Patton. No, he  _ had _ missed them. It was pure luck that brought him into Patton’s bedroom, sheer dumb luck.

“Lo…” it was Virgil, eyes wide, “what’d he say?”

“I…” Logan shook his head, closing his eyes for a moment. When he opened them he stared at Virgil in determination. “We’ll take care of Patton, Virgil. He has us, and that’s all he needs.” Virgil looked doubtful but nodded.

“So… he was telling the truth,” Virgil whispered. “About his family.” Logan glared in the general direction of his phone but nodded.  
“That man shouldn’t carry the title of Patton’s father.” he hissed. Virgil patted his shoulder timidly, then glanced toward the bedroom. “Is… is Patton alright?”

“He knew exactly what that guy would say,” Virgil said anxiously. “Almost like… he’d heard it enough to memorize it. Like he’d practiced saying it.”

“I don’t understand,” Logan said softly. “How did we not notice? How did Patton get so far in life without caring for himself?”

“I dunno.” Virgil sighed softly. “Maybe… he didn’t. But if he really hates the idea of being selfish so much, is it any surprise he… got that down?”

“No.” Logan murmured, taking a deep breath. He started back toward the bedroom, listening to Patton and Roman talking about something or the other. “We’ll make this right, Virgil. We have to.”

“I guess.” Virgil nodded, then cringed. “That sounded really pessimistic, didn’t it?”

“It did,” Logan smirked. “But that’s alright.”

“Ah, Logan!” Roman bounded to his feet. “Tell Patton how the call went, he’s in desperate need of a pick-me-up!” Logan hesitated. That was not what Patton needed, definitely not. Patton was watching him glumly and looked away.

“I told you, Lo.” he murmured. “They don’t care.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Roman said, seeming panicked. “Right Logan? They’re worried, aren’t they?” Logan opened his mouth, then closed it again. He walked over and hugged Patton tightly. Roman stared, and his breath quickened as he realized what this meant.

“You don’t need them, Patton,” Logan said softly, shocked to feel tears in his eyes. “We’re going to be your family now, you don’t need them.”

“I know that,” Patton said, hunching his shoulders slightly. “I never said I needed them…” Logan looked down into Patton’s eyes and saw a weariness they shouldn’t hold. Patton shouldn’t be that tired.


	11. Selfless

Two weeks. Fourteen days. If you wanted to be technical, thirteen days ten hours and fifteen minutes. Since he tried to kill himself. Patton stared at the mirror, searching his reflection for anything. A sign, something to prove the last two weeks weren’t useless.

There was a restraining order against Dee for when he’d get out of jail. Patton’s head wound had healed with just a small scar along his temple. He had attended a few therapy sessions, at the other's insistence. All of that helped… but he just didn’t get it. The past two weeks seemed like a dream, and heaven knows Patton had dreamed about something happening. Someone caring about him the way he cared about them. But he knew dreams didn’t come true… yet this one did.

“Patton, you in there?” Virgil knocked on the bathroom door.

“Y-yeah, one sec,” Patton said, reaching up to rub his eyes. He took a deep breath before exiting. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, Logan was just wondering where you were,” Virgil said, glancing away. Patton frowned.

“Logan?”

“Well, we were all kind of wondering,” Virgil confessed. “You were in there for like… twenty minutes.”

“Oh.” Patton scratched the back of his neck. “Sorry.” Virgil sighed.

“Stop apologizing,” he said playfully, starting toward the living room. “I think Logan did have something he wanted to talk to you about, though.”

“Okey dokey!” Patton bounced after him, though couldn't help but wonder. 

What would Logan want to talk about this time? He was seated at the kitchen table, tapping a pencil on his chin. Roman was listening to Disney music, scribbling down in his own notebook. The one in front of Logan was blank.

“Hey kiddo, what’d you wanna talk about!” he said, sitting down next to Logan. Logan glanced up, and Patton was surprised to see the anxiety in his eyes. “You… okay?”

“Oh, I think I will be.” Logan sighed, putting down his pencil. “Patton… I had an idea I thought might help you, but I’m not sure…”

“Help me with what?” Patton asked, forcing a smile. “Everything’s been going awesome, you know that.”

“Awesome’s not the word I’d use,” Logan said as Virgil sat on the couch and put his headphones on. Patton frowned.

“...what’s your idea?” he finally asked. Logan adjusted his tie, then took a deep breath.

“Well I’ve been thinking a lot about your past and everything, and I realized how little I actually know about you. Your real personality, your likes, and dislikes, that kind of thing. I did realize however that you may not know this about yourself, and so I thought I could somehow help, but thinking back it's a terrible idea and I really-”

“Slow down!” Patton said, staring at him. Logan stopped and took a breath, covering his face.

“My apologies, Patton.” He sighed. “It really was, well, juvenile to think-”

“No, you’re right.” Patton chewed his lip, avoiding eye contact. “I… well, you won’t believe me if I tell you all I like is making others happy. Right?”

“That can’t be everything.” Logan agreed softly, tapping the pencil again. “And I thought it may help you… come to terms with your past… if you had yourself to fall back on.”

“...English?” Patton asked apologetically. Logan smiled.

“All your life… I suppose you’ve been forcing yourself to be one-dimensional,” he explained. “Like a background character in any book or movie, correct?” Patton nodded.

“Yeah, actually.” he sighed. “That was… kind of what I was trying to do.”

“It didn’t turn out so well,” Logan said softly. Patton shrugged.

“Depends on what you see as ‘well’ but I agree.” 

“Well, I was thinking that if you worked on expanding your personality… you would be able to find a more stable lifestyle.” Logan explained, spreading his hands. Patton frowned, then sighed and nodded.

“Well, might as well give it a shot.” he agreed. “How do I do that?”

“Many people explain themselves to others using lists of ‘favorites’,” Logan said, adjusting his glasses. “I never really understood it, but I thought that would be a good place to start for you. Just so you can understand yourself a bit more, and become more dimensional.”

“....so like favorite colors?” Patton asked, raising an eyebrow. Logan nodded.

“Sure, we can start with color.” he agreed, scribbling the word down and looking at him expectantly. Patton chuckled.

“You’re writing this down?”

“Of course, every experiment needs to be written down,” Logan said blankly. Patton just smiled, nodding.

“Alright…” he frowned. “Uh…. rainbo-”

“One color.” Logan shook his head. “You can’t be vague, Patton, think about what you really truly love.” Patton fell silent, thinking. Love… what color did he like the most? Well, blue calmed him which was why he always wore it. But there was also something about red, it was just so beautiful and loud and… different.

“I… I guess I like red…” Patton mumbled, feeling his face grow warm. “But like, all the colors are good, I really never thought about what I cared for most, and-”

“Red,” Logan said, scribbling it down. Patton sighed, covering his face. “Wonderful, what about favorite food?”

“I don’t know…!” Patton whined, not looking up. “Logan, I don’t know if I can do this. It’s just food… honestly… it keeps me alive, and that’s okay, and-”

“What food pleases you most?” Logan insisted. Patton wracked his mind, trying to think of one food he preferred. 

“...cookies?” he shrugged, grimacing. “This is hard, Logan!”

“I… I’m sorry,” Logan said softly. “I thought it would help, but…”

“I…” Patton looked at Logan’s list.

_ Red, Cookies. _

Patton stared at it for a moment, feeling something change inside him. He liked red, and he loved cookies. 

_ Selfish _

But… he liked them. 

“It is helping,” he said softly, wringing his hands. “It’s just hard…”

“I’m sorry.”

“I was just… no one ever wanted to know what I liked before.” Patton laughed nervously. “And I never had to think about it before, and…”

“You’re just… so selfless.” Logan sighed, rubbing his eyes. Patton blinked.

“I’m… you think I’m selfless?” he asked, voice cracking slightly. That sentence made his heart seem to fill his entire body.

“...isn’t that your goal?” Logan asked, an eyebrow raised. “To be selfless?”

“Well… yeah, but I didn’t think I was doing so good.” Patton murmured.

“Patt, you literally almost died for someone you met three months ago,” Logan said, staring at him. “That’s selfless. You’re selfless to the brink of unhealthiness. You need to understand that it’s not a good thing to be completely selfless.”

“...but-”

“You can be selfish,” Logan said firmly. “Do you want to continue the exercise?” Patton sighed but nodded.

“Sure, why not?”

“Alright…” Logan thought for a moment. “Favorite animal?”

“Uh….” 

Patton’s mind went blank, as it usually did when people asked him questions about himself. He knew Logan wouldn’t accept his usual preppy response, so he had to actually think. He absently hugged himself, trying to focus on his own feelings as animals flashed through his mind. This was the weirdest thing…

“Are you alright?” Logan asked, eyes wide.

“I-I guess… I like dogs…” Patton finally whispered.

“Excellent.”

“And cats,” Patton said, then put a hand over his mouth. “S-sorry… I just love fluffy little things, they’re adorable!” the redness in his cheeks started to fade as Patton perked up just thinking about it. “With their little toe beans, and their cute faces!”

“I… suppose they are adorable.” Logan nodded.

“They’re more than that!” Patton squealed. “Roman, back me up on this! Dogs and cats are just the best!”

“Of course,” Roman said, beaming. He seemed unusually happy about this, and Patton wasn’t sure why.

“What’s the next one, Logan?” Patton asked, leaning over the table to look at his friend's notebook. Logan seemed shocked and slightly confused but cleared his throat.

“Well, maybe favorite activities. Or something you’ve always wanted to try and do?”

“Oh, we’re doing get to know you!” Roman cheered, skipping over. 

“Not exa-”

“I’ve always wanted to perform on Broadway!” Roman said, flushing slightly. “What about you, Patton? What have you always wanted to do?” 

“Always…” Patton chewed his lip thoughtfully. For the longest time, he hadn’t thought ahead like that. But he did remember a long time ago, like a really long time ago, when even his father couldn't quench a burning passion. “Well, I’m a fan of comedy.”

“I should have known.” Logan sighed, smirking a bit.

“What kind of comedy?” Roman asked, eyes shining. He seemed too excited to learn all this, and Patton felt strangely warm and happy.

“Oh, I dunno. I love dad jokes, which is strange because my father never really made any.” he chuckled, shaking his head, not noticing his friend's sad glance to each other. “And romantic comedies are amusing, I don’t watch them a lot but I used to have a roommate that did.”

“How long ago did you move out?” Logan asked curiously. “You’re only in your twenties, right?”

“I... moved out... right after I turned eighteen.” Patton explained, brushing the hair out of his eyes. “And after a few weeks, I got a job, and then got an apartment, and-”

“Where did you live in those weeks?” Roman asked, brow furrowed. Patton winced, shaking his head.

“Well, I didn’t really live anywhere,” he confessed, expecting their unhappy reactions. “But I had it better than a lot of people, and I tried my best to help as much as I could so it’s really-”

“It’s fine,” Logan said, clearing his throat. “Patton, do you see what’s been happening?”

“When?” Patton asked, tilting his head.

“Well, you seem so alive!” Roman said, waving a hand in the air. “More so than ever before. Don’t you feel any different? Hearing you talk about things you like is like meeting a whole new Patton!”

“Is it?” Patton smiled. That might explain why he felt so happy. “Let’s keep going, what’s the next question, Lo?”

“Oh, uh…” Logan tapped his chin for a moment. “What was your favorite subject in school?” Roman rolled his eyes but watched Patton expectantly. Patton frowned.

“I… I’m not sure…” he hummed, thinking. What did he like in school? He had to remember something good about his childhood, right? “Well, I know it wasn’t math.”

“Of course,” Logan said unhappily while Roman chuckled.

“Maybe history.” Patton decided. “Things that actually happened, y’know? Stories and artifacts and just… old stuff.”

“That’s interesting.” Logan mused. “Patton, you really are an incredible individual.” Patton felt his face flush and he leaned back, glancing away. He wasn’t used to compliments, and it wasn’t sure how to deal with it.

“...thanks?”

“Let me think…” Logan squinted. “What’s your worst fear?”

“I thought we were doing favorites!” Roman burst out, pouting.

“Worst fear?” Patton chuckled nervously. “It’s silly.”

“I’m sure it’s perfectly logical.” Logan waved a hand. “Why don’t we go first?”

“Go first for what?” Virgil asked, suddenly behind them. Patton gasped, then giggled.

“Worst fear, Virgil?” Roman asked, smirking. Virgil frowned, thinking.

“What lives at the bottom of the ocean,” he said in a stage whisper. Patton giggled nervously. “What about you Princey? Are you afraid of anything?”

“Well…” Roman winced slightly. “I do happen to have a fear of heights, but I’m nearly over that now.” then he glanced at Logan. “And you, Microsoft nerd?” Logan stared at him and he smiled. “Logan?”

“Well,” Logan cleared his throat. “I do try to keep emotion out of most decisions…” Patton frowned. “But I cannot deny I have fears, most of the meaningless of human existence.”

“Wow, what?” Virgil raised his eyebrows. “I thought I was the angsty one.”

“What about you Patton?” Roman asked, ignoring the creepy way Logan stared at Virgil. “What scares you the most?”

“Uh….” Patton giggled. “It’s very silly…”

“So are you,” Virgil said with a smirk.

“Well, I’m terribly afraid of spiders.” Patton murmured, brushing the back of his neck as he imagined one crawling on him. This was met by silence for a moment.

“And that is… your worst fear?”

“Yeah.”

“Really,” Virgil said, eyebrows raised. “Nothing else scares you very much?” Patton shook his head.

“Patton, you have the right to be afraid of anything even if it makes little sense!” Roman said, striking a grand pose.

“Let’s call them what they are,” Patton said gravely. “Creepy Crawley death dealers.”

“What?”

“I will gladly destroy any spider for you, Patton,” Roman said, squinting around the kitchen as if watching for them.

“Oh… thanks…” Patton said. For some reason, he felt extremely happy about that. Somehow it was that promise that opened his eyes. Patton wasn’t alone. 

Even if Patton wasn’t thinking of Patton. Even if the world wasn’t thinking of Patton. Even when it felt like no one was thinking of Patton… someone would be thinking of Patton.


End file.
